In the Case of a Missing Identity ...

CELTIC CROSS
Originally uploaded by Edward Dullard
After a lovely lunch for my mother's 79th birthday, she handed me a small envelope. A promise kept after our last time together -- my adoption information. I chose to not open it in her company, but rather in the privacy of my car. It was rather anti-climactic; two very yellow-stained papers with typewritten information dating back to 1962 and 1963. One paper was from the Adoption Agency where I was "transferred" to my adoptive parents from who knows where. It has basic information, such as my birthweight and height and the fact that I was a breech birth and am an A positive blood type. The other paper is more "official" with several embossed seals: the decree from the "Orphans' Court" that my adoption was legal. This document has my full given name before my adoptive parents changed it.

Deborah Ann Geary. Completely foreign. Don't even relate to it.

The Irish surname Geary is a rendering of the Gaelic surname O'Gadhra, also translated as O'Gara. This name denotes one who is a "descendant of Gadhra", an ancient chief whose name itself may be traceable to the Old Irish term "gadhar", meaning "hound".

In the past few years, I have been very curious about my heritage. This information I got today answers one part of the equation. My best guess is that this last name was my biological mother's. So the jury is out still about what else I am comprised of.

Funny, I have never been drawn to in any way, shape, or form anything remotely connected to Irish culture -- except for the love of beer ! I know, I know ... bad stereotype. I am remotely aware that Gaelic/Celtic traditions have some deeply spiritual components to them, which I intend on investigating further. As well as any other information connected to the family name in my birthplace town.

Receiving this information today brought some closure - at least in terms of the old tension between my mother and I - but not much in the way of solving the whole case of my missing identity. There was no information about my biological parents' names. Nothing about my medical history. Not even the time I was born (always wanted to know that for accuracy in astrological charting).

So I will work with what I have and simply sit and make peace with what I don't. I am not experiencing any urgency nor a strong pull in some direction. And perhaps more will rise up in me as taking in this information works through me.

One thing that I am aware of is this: when discussing these findings with my sponsor on my drive back home today, she playfully said my given name aloud. I instantly re-coiled and asked her to not say the name again. She inquired as to if it was painful for me to hear it. I sat for a moment and listened to my interior. It wasn't that. I replied: "It's not my truth. It's not who I am today." I've worked a lot with issues of integrity for myself and to be associated or identified with a name that does not ring true in a meaningful way feels false to me. This too I will sit and let mill about it in me.

I am actually deeply appreciating the name my adoptive mother chose for me. It feels so much more aligned to the essence of me. She is a wiser, more attuned woman than I have ever given her proper credit for. She is the only mother I have ever known and choose to know.