We are not Saints ...

No father, its coat saver
Originally uploaded by Geomar Triño The Great

At the meeting I chaired this evening, we read Step Six :
"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character".

Each re-visitation of a Step brings incredible insights, as if they were heard for the first time; perhaps this is the phenomenon behind the phrase "More will be revealed".

Two things struck me tonight in this Step:
1) The connection between Step 6 to Steps 3 & 10 in particular.
2) This line: "The only urgent thing is that we make a beginning and keep trying."

Where I have gotten tripped up in wanting to have my defects removed in Step 6 is when resistance comes in and I take my will back -- which means I need to return to Step 3 and turn my will back over to God first. Even if it looks like this: "God, I feel my resistance about _______. It continues to creep up and I engage with it. I need to turn over my resistance to letting this defect go." Now, I have done both my 3rd Step AND my 6th Step in this recognition of where I am struggling with taking back my will and not wanting my defect to be removed.

I shared tonight in the meeting that the connection between Steps 6 and 10 for me have a great deal to do with the level of rigorous honesty I practice in doing the 10th Step inventory. If I am impeccably honest in my 10th Step at the end of the day, any defects of character that need to be examined so that I can be ready to have them removed will show up in this work. If I instead choose to do a "quickie" 10th Step because I'm tired and/or want to gloss over the day in spiritual bypass, then I will miss these character defects. The 10th Step is the perfect venue for showcasing those things that are obstacles to living soberly, are making relationships challenging, or causing me to feel out of integrity with myself, my program.

Lastly, the line I cited above in this Step: "The only urgent thing is that we make a beginning and keep trying." This to me feels do-able, like God is giving us a break of some sort to just be human. It ties into the motto: "Progress not Perfection". And, what it really highlights for me is this statement in How It Works: "We are not Saints; the point is, we are willing to grow along spiritual lines."

A huge sigh of relief comes to this alcoholic. My defect of perfectionism can be cut slack. My all-or-nothing thinking can be softened. My need for control can be eased. I get a "do-over" at any point in the day if I am willing to look at my defects and simply be "ready" to have them removed. I am in a place of consideration rather than commitment. The only Step which we are asked to do with 100% perfection is Step 1. This doesn't mean I will be that sloth they refer to in the book, but what it does mean is that I will not be so hard on myself when I have demonstrated behavior that doesn't make me feel so great about myself. And, I don't have to berate myself either, I can simply turn it over, ask for willingness and readiness. I don't even have to have it removed either -- if I am not fully ready, I may ask for it to be held, lessened, not as intense UNTIL I am entirely ready.

I ain't no Saint. But I am a drunk who wants to grow and heal, treat myself and others decently, work my Program to the best of my ability, know God better, and stay sober one day at a time.