The room that holds our secrets ...

circle of friends
Originally uploaded by Jenser (Clasix-Design)

I was inspired in the telling of my story at an AA meeting tonight by a friend who spoke for me at a meeting last night. She shared, free of shame, the dangerous places that alcohol took her to. As we spoke afterwards, I was aware of how I have cut out the "ugly parts" of my story when I am asked to share and how critical it is for me to remember the unsafe, high-risk, near-death experiences that alcohol found me in, because these are the very memories that will keep me sober.

In my sharing tonight, I spoke about the fact that when I was 21 years old, a senior in college, I was raped. I was very very drunk. The part that I played in this was that I put myself directly in a situation in which I could not discern right from wrong, good from bad, safe from unsafe. When I wanted "out" of the scenario, it was too late; it had already gone beyond the point that I could be respected or taken seriously. Here's the kicker: I got pregnant. Having an abortion at that time was a no-brainer. Ain't no way I was gonna be a momma -- I had too much partying to do. Walking through the picket lines of pro-lifers who were telling me what a sinner I was did not have one iota of influence on my behavior or my drinking. I would down a bottle of Jack Daniels that day just to make the point.

I had scrapes with the law. I put countless strangers in danger each time that I got behind the wheel while bombed out of my gourd. I peed on myself more times than I'd care to count. I arrived as the maid of honor of my best friend's wedding drunk, having fallen on my face into a concrete floor just 5 days before and made a feeble attempt to camoflauge the stitches and busted lip with a cover-up product. Alcohol made me forget I had any sense of dignity or regard for others. This is the selfishness that is plastered all over the passages of the Big Book.

A key piece of my story that is most important for me to share is my self-hatred and internalized homophobia regarding the awareness of my sexual orientation and how I drank in an attempt to wipe it out of my memory banks and my being. I could not bear to live the truth of who I was because of what others thought, what society thought.
My coming out was a very pivotal action directly associated with putting down the bottle; they happened within 1 month of each other.

This particular telling of my drunk tale was on the heels of a profound healing weekend, centered around being in reality, in truth, in life fully and completely as it is. The way in which I was seated to share at the meeting tonight, I understood and felt the importance of speaking my truth, without care or concern for what anyone thought of me. This is such a contrast to the 4-plus decades of saying only what would be pleasing to others, that would put me in a favorable light, that was only a smidge of truth and sometimes just an outright lie. It is liberating and such a relief when you know it's "just the truth" -- there is no more to explain, to qualify, to defend.

The greatest gift from tonight was that several others were able to attain that same freedom as they too had similar experiences as mine to acknowledge and share. This is what bonds us to one another, even if nothing about us outside of our alcoholism does.
And we never have to fear being judged or condemned or shamed.
The fellowship of AA is the room that holds our secrets.