Contentment....

Contentment.......
Originally uploaded by tina_manthorpe

The speaker at my AA mtg tonight made a strong qualification before he began to tell his story that it would be "unremarkable". It was anything but.

It likely felt unremarkable to him because it was not filled with the usual dramatics as perhaps other drinkers' stories may contain and the fact that his drinking took off much later in life and that it took place at home and not displayed publicly, like in bars.

What was remarkable was that this man had developed a half-gallon of vodka every 2 days drinking habit that spanned over the course of 15 years. In the last days of his alcoholism, he got up in the middle of the night - restless and unable to sleep - poured himself a glass of vodka and said a 3-word prayer: "God, help me." 2 days later, he found himself looking in the phone book for the number to AA and went to a meeting that very same day. He's never taken a drink since. An absolute miracle.

What really stood out in this man's message tonight, however, was his demeanor by which he shared his story. There was no shame, no hanging his head, no remorse. He told it "for what it was". No apologies. He embodied contentment. He spoke about living the Serenity Prayer on a daily basis and it surely showed.

Funny thing about this being a theme of sorts given the kind of day I had today. And I shared this in the meeting tonight: I related to the speaker from the place in his story where he speaks about his drinking increasing as soon as he broke free from a dissatisfying marriage and home. In his new "freedom", he drank more and more. I shared that in my freedom from leaving my parents' home and going off to college, I too drank progressively to excess. What appeared to be freedom turned out to be a terrifying void. A canyon of emptiness that needed to be filled up. And, even after the drinking ceased, I looked to so many other things to patch up the countless holes. And this has now shifted in my newer phase of sobriety. Today, specifically this very day, I took off from work duties because I was experiencing a lot of sinus pain. I recognized the gift in being able to give my body much needed rest from a very hectic and full work schedule over the past 2 weeks. And I didn't do much of anything ... a small load of laundry, reading, a bath, listening to the Phillies 1st game of the playoffs. And I was utterly content. There was no need to fill up the spaces in between. No need for "busying". No urgency to get things done around the apartment because I now had time. No trying to rush my recovery process and get through the sinus stuff as quickly as possible.

This is the gift of sober living. This is what Bill W. speaks about in "The Promises" as well as in the Big Book when he writes about being happy, joyous and free. It isn't something I have to go after, but rather it is something that unfolds as I work the program and the program works me. When I look in the mirror, I can honestly say "I want what she has".