Happy, joyous, free ...

joyous
Originally uploaded by Rick Elkins/away

Last night was the final Thursday that I would chair for the month of October at my favorite women's AA meeting. The reading I chose was from one of the Big Book authors who followed up her story in a Grapevine article, nearly 20 years later. The title of the article was: "Don't take our word for it" . It was her reflections on how working this program of recovery really works and how she has experienced the gifts of joy and laughter and freedom. She spoke about the key to these gifts being the use of our "inner searchlight" -- a willingness to look closely within ourselves and, that by doing so, the outside world will begin to reflect our work on the inside. The title has to do with the fact that each of us must experience this for ourselves -- to really know what is possible. It is one thing to hear the stories of strength and hope and recovery from others in the rooms and it's something completely different to feel and know these things to be true for oneself.

When I walked through the doors of AA again this past January, I was, to some extent, broken --very vulnerable and lacking any solid foundation of recovery. My kabbalistic healing work prepared me for immersing into my AA program. It has helped me to build a spiritual framework for living my life with the goal of being whole. AA compliments the kabbalistic work by adding supportive beams to the framework and providing me with the tools - literally and figuratively - to productively work on the construction of the house that is me, from the inside-out.

I shared last night that my life has done a 360 turn in the past 10 months; it is not a "chicken or the egg" debate in terms of was it the culmination of the kabbalistic work that made this possible or the diligent working of an AA program but rather, they have co-arisen within me.

My desire for wholeness has included the 12 steps and living a life that is getting more balanced. The shifts that have occurred for me have a lot to do with putting the recovery principles hand-in-hand with my kabbalistic practice: admission of powerlessness & surrendering (Hod); trusting and believing in a power greater than myself and listening to my God-voice when taking an action (Tiferet); asking for help and connecting with the group/fellowship when I understand that I can't do this alone;  owning my part and making amends (Yesod); going regularly to meetings, reading literature, doing the step work ... working a structured program for living (Gevurah); living life on life's terms and being in the flow of my life (Chesed); celebrating a new freedom and a new happiness in how I relate to the world and others and understanding "The Promises" (Netzach); and lastly, being seated in integrity and practicing these principles in all my affairs, from the truth of myself (Malchut).

All most of us really want for ourselves in life is to be happy, joyous and free and what I am coming to understand from both my kabbalistic and AA work is that it is ours for the asking, it is here and always has been. It is ME who has been the barrier. No one else. When I can get out of my own way, I can experience all of these things and then some.