How may I serve ?

(210) Open heart, open hands.
Originally uploaded by Sarajea

A beautiful friend of mine in the rooms called me up yesterday to see if I would take him to pick up prescriptions and to get some groceries. He is very ill from chemotherapy and cancer which has spread about his body, deep into his bones. What my friend doesn't know is that he offered me an invaluable lesson in my movement toward overcoming my character defect of selfishness.

I have written as of late about my recognition of all the various forms that selfishness has shown up in the way I've lived my life. One such form is being stingey with my time, coveting it as if it could be stolen from me by another. As if it is mine to control in the first place. This kind of selfishness keeps me inwardly focused and protective, guarded rather than open and generous.

This current period of my life and my recovery work has enabled me for the first time, really, to ask the question: "How may I serve?" For me, this is about asking G-d what s/he has for me today, to turn over my will from this place, and to offer what I can of myself to another human being. And in today's case, to another alcoholic.

My friend kept apologizing about being a pain-in-the-ass and feeling badly about taking up my time. I found this so incredibly ironic and eye-opening in light of wanting to come face-to-face with my selfishness. I was able to share that with him as well. Today was not about him burdening me, but rather me being of service to my friend. And that, perhaps, it was actually ME gaining just as much from this interaction and from my friend's request as he from being able to have transportation and company to get his needed items.

And for me, there was no urgency to rush through the tasks with my friend, to worry about how much of my time was going to be swallowed up, no feeling of impatience or irritability to move quicker. These are all signs I am acutely aware of from my not-so-distant past that would be indicators of my selfishness rearing its ugly head.

When I've asked G-d to help remove this character defect, I am answered in opportunities like today. It is no longer about the defect being taken away, but rather a gift of an opportunity that is in direct opposition to that defect, so that there is not room for it to re-appear.

And I shall continue to get on my knees each morning, from this point forward, and humbly ask "How may I serve?"