O Christmas Tree ...

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree

How lovely are your branches !

And I might go as far as to say:

O Tree of Life

O Tree of Life

Exquisite are your sefirot !

I enter this weekend nestled to some extent in a place of pause, in Kabbalistic terms – O’Ghen.

Last night, after I wrote, I could feel relief, even settling, in my little one. It was her longing for G-d that came through listening to the Christmas music so that I too could feel this connection in a deeper way. I stayed up quite late downloading and burning Christmas music that I hadn’t allowed myself to hear in several years. I played those CD’s as I drove today and my heart was completely filled up. I could feel my little one’s delight and innocent joy. In this space, I found myself a live Christmas tree! The photo on this post is the actual tree in her decorated glory. The tree is as tall as me and when I saw her, I sighed and said aloud: “She’s so sweet.” It took me all of 3 minutes to pick her out and I could carry her in one hand, that’s how portable she is. There was not one “hitch” in terms of getting her in the apartment and set up in the stand; in fact, it could not have been any smoother. (An aside: setting up the tree was a point of contention with my former partner EVERY year, for 13 Christmas’s! Today, was a GIFT in the truest sense).

I began this evening’s tree trimming ritual by first locating myself, really feeling my roots. Then, talking aloud to G-d. I said my 3rd, 7th , and 11th step prayers. I thanked G-d for being patient and never giving up on me when I turned my back all these years. I also let G-d know that I am deeply grateful for this opportunity that is here to get reacquainted, in an intimate way, with myself and with this divine power that is greater than me. As I opened the dusty box of ornaments, I felt such a washing over me of both love and grief. I had not looked at these ornaments since I ended the relationship with my ex. There are MANY memories associated with each ornament and I remember where every single one came from. My absolute favorite ornament that I associate so fondly with is the red bicycle. It was the first ornament I ever purchased as a sober adult, acquiring my first “live” tree by chopping it down myself at a tree nursery – in the snow! That same year, because I was quite poor, my friends N & W & I made ornaments out of used candy boxes and it is always so humbling to put those on the tree and remember where I’ve traveled. There is a pair of sweet little girls that I purchased while in Thailand. There are a number of ornaments from my travels with my former partner – which I picked out and they feel like they are so much more a part of me. What struck me was the fact that many ornaments are from people who are no longer in my life; yet, as I’ve been doing my loving-kindness meditations as of late, I have actually brought some of these people into my consciousness. So, seeing the ornaments they gave me has actually opened my heart toward them, rather than experiencing a resentment or anxiousness or possibly resorting to discarding the ornaments. This process today for me was so very Hod/Netzach. The uncovering of my vulnerability about the Christmas music, the tree, the ornaments and my longing to connect with G-d feels like an opening of another passageway that was formerly closed off in my secret garden (Hod); the actions taken and the movement and the celebration I have felt today is very much a personal triumph in allowing all of the emotions to be here and live and still engage in this sacred ritual (Netzach).

My tree is rich with history in the heart of the ornaments … joyful and painful alike. And they all have a place. There is a branch for each one that is “just right”. My Christmas tree is much like my Tree of Life. It is a manifestation and a visible celebration of my healing work over these past few years. And it is still a work in progress ! Yet it can shine and shimmer just as it is.