Amazing grace

Elegance
Originally uploaded by Tommy Simms
"A grateful heart doesn't drink."

This gem was given to me by my sponsor. I am wearing the shimmeriness of it today after taking an important and kind action that she provided guidance for, complete with her own help ... the grace of G-d.

First thing this morning, my ex left a message on my cell phone and briefly stated that she would instead leave me an email. Hearing her voice, especially when we have extremely rare contact these days, sent an unnerving feeling up and down my spine, lodging in my throat. I didn't run to the computer when I arose, instead I got on my knees. I did the 3rd, the 7th and the 11th step prayers. I lit incense. I made some coffee. And then, I read the email.

My ex's brother died. She wanted to know if I could watch our other dog.

I took some breaths and in that moment, as my sponsor pointed out later, I knew in my heart that the answer would be "no". I recognize that the dog is the only "connector" that links she and I. I am also aware that she knows what can tug at my heart strings.

I called my sponsor before doing anything. I wanted to sound this out with her so I could take the next right action. I knew that my response needed to be both kind yet direct and she most certainly confirmed that and offered such thoughtful suggestions. It was clear, as well, that this communication needed to be a call rather than an email. The form of contact was to be personal, while the manner in which I held myself in the interaction would be impersonal. This is the very territory that I just came out of at my recent Kabbalistic retreat weekend.

I ate my breakfast and read some pages in my step book. I took a few more deep breaths and made the call. She answered immediately and I expressed my condolences for her re: the passing of her brother. She shared briefly a touching story about how she was pulled to call him the very morning of the day he died and how they had a lovely conversation and then she got the news hours later.
Right after she shared this, she inquired about my watching of the dog. I stated that I was both unavailable this weekend and, that for the future, it would not be an option for me to watch the dog. She stated that she didn't need to know the reasons, she thanked me and then our call ended peacefully.

In the past, fear and anticipation of a potential altercation would have found me doing a variety of things: emailing with a false excuse; taking the dog out of pure guilt and then being resentful; avoiding her altogether. Today, none of these choices are options. And for that, I am deeply grateful.

Amazing grace
how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost
but now, am found.
Was blind,
but now I see.