O Holy Night ...

O Holy Night
Originally uploaded by joshcalebwray
My day has come full circle. It began with a discussion over breakfast about our grappling with G-d as I chatted with another AA friend from the rooms and it ended with an AA meeting where we read "We Agnostics" from the Big Book which raised a powerful discussion afterwards of how we each perceive G-d.

As a young girl, weekly Sunday school and attending church service and participating in all church-related activities was a demand placed on me (and my sister) by my mother. This was not up for discussion of any kind. The G-d I would come to find out about then was one to be feared. One who could punish if you committed a sin. One, I believed, could potentially kick you out of heaven and send you down to hell for your bad actions here on earth.

As I got older, early teens, and became increasingly angry at my father's drunkenness and the general state of chaos in my home, I began to question any possible goodness G-d had. I felt like G-d was a twisted fuck for having me be adopted into such a home. By late teens, G-d & I didn't see eye-to-eye and the only time his name was mentioned was as the prefix before certain curse words were spewed out of my mouth.

I arrive at AA in my late 20's and I begin to hear G-d's name mentioned in meetings and in literature and I slowly shut down. I never do read "We Agnostics", and , come to think of it, I never picked up a Big Book during this time. So along with thinking that AA's were a bunch of war-story-tellin' whiners and a cult, I cannot buy into any of the G-d stuff and decide I can do this not-drinking thing on my own.

Fast forward to today.

I am driving to clients and I flip the radio stations and a popular one that I rarely listen to is playing Christmas music and I remember how this time of year this station plays holiday tunes 24-7. I like what I hear and I keep it on. And it is during my listening that I am transported to a younger time and realize that there was a "quality" to what happened inside of me when I heard this music -- both today and particularly when I was younger -- and that this music was the gateway, a connection to who and what I understood was G-d. I shared tonight in the meeting that this experience reminded me that my understanding of G-d was a "feeling inside of me" rather than someone who was "out there", like how he was portrayed in my church.

As I let myself drift back in time while driving today and listening to this glorious music, I have a few very specific memories. One is that when I attended the Christmas Eve candlelight service each year, especially as a young person, I would get teary-eyed and would hold myself back from crying, getting a huge lump in my throat, as I listened to the choir sing "Silent Night" at the end of the service. Another memory is that when I would get home from the service and get into my pajamas and quickly get into bed in anticipation of Santa coming, I would play my transistor radio on low volume because on Christmas Eve night the station would play Christmas songs all night long. I would have such a full feeling in my heart that I could never really describe; in retrospect, I am aware that this is a feeling I get today as an adult when I am experiencing something sacred, when I feel the presence of G-d.
Lastly, in 7th grade, I attended a Christmas concert at the school and was mesmerized, moved to near tears, when I heard the angelic voice of a young man singing a solo; the song was: "O Holy Night". I had never in my life heard a more beautiful song. To this day, it touches my heart in a way that I cannot put into words. I heard Josh Groban's version on the radio today and I was weeping in my car. This, without a doubt, is one of the ways I've always known G-d.

Which brings me to another layer of peeling.

When I was with my former partner and Christmas came around, I began to collect CD's of Christmas music. I liked playing them starting the day after Thanksgiving and especially when I decorated the Christmas tree. The ritual of putting ornaments on the tree is something that was very sacred to me. Over time, my partner began to frown and balk at my playing of Christmas music and would often protest and limit how much the music was played, as she didn't like it very much. Toward the last few years of our relationship, I decorated the tree alone. Her drunken episodes increased, especially at holiday time, and she was often in bed until afternoon, hungover. She could barely tolerate the Christmas music. When our relationship ended, I took the Christmas CD's and the box of ornaments with me. Interestingly enough, and what I understand very clearly now is this: my sadness and painful associations with these things and these rituals were things I was not able to make room for after the relationship was over, as to have them exist, meant I would have to bear difficult feelings. So I cut them out. The box of ornaments has sat in my musty basement for the past 3 seasons. The CD's have gone unplayed. I couldn't even bring myself to get a tree these past few years and played it off by saying things like: "I gravitate now toward Buddhist principles, so I don't really celebrate Christmas." This is what I needed to do in order to cut out any potential pain.

I am no longer in this place of not being able to bear everything. I took the CD's out so I can burn some fun mixes for the holiday. And, I've decided that I want to get a tree this year. And put all of my favorite ornaments on it. And re-claim Christmas ... just for me. And honor my reunited relationship with G-d.

"Fall on your knees
and hear the angel voices
O night, Divine
O night, when Christ was born.
O night, Divine
O night, O Holy Night."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nx0C5ZDi1rs