Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The parrot on our back ...


Même pas dopé ! Not even doped!
Originally uploaded by bleuet / Anne-Marie


The speaker's story and subsequent shares of members in last night's meeting was a reminder about the cunning, baffling, power of alcohol and our disease and how, for many of us, it is an incessant parrot on our back -- chattering and repeating little lines to persuade and coerce us into believing that we could have just 1 little drink.

The speaker shared how she's been in and out of the rooms for 2 decades. For the very reason above: being convinced by her alcoholic parrot that she could handle having a drink. She highlighted for us that it wasn't always during times of stress. In fact, it was often during times of what felt like "too calm" . It was also during times when she would fall off from going to meetings and believe that she had everything under control. This is the very thing I hear repeatedly in the rooms about when folks relapse; when we take our will back and think we can do a better job than G-d. Perhaps we even doubt that G-d was there in the first place or that we simply know what's best for us. No matter the reason, heading down the path of self-will is a recipe for disaster.

I can't say that the part of my alcoholism that can't stop drinking speaks to me with any regularity BUT the larger, underground aspect of my disease and of my history that believes I can take my will back in other areas of my life talks volumes, non-stop at times. I would venture to say that this is the voice I listened to, as if it were my own, for many years out of the rooms and ignoring G-d's existence.

The 3rd step is being informed by Tiferet, in Kabbalistic terms. We turn our will and our lives over to the care of the G-d of our understanding. The fact that this step allows us to define G-d as we understand G-d is so beautiful. The whole G-d-thing is what turns many people off from the program, including me in early sobriety. It's because, I believe, of our early associations with religion and particularly if it didn't resonate with us or left us fearing G-d, which was true for me. Not working the steps in early sobriety and really looking at the words and their meaning is what kept me blinded from truly seeing the 3rd step for what it is. And, an invaluable lesson I've learned in the rooms of AA and the rooms of IKH (Integrated Kabbalistic Healing) is that G-d is not some entity "out there", out of reach. G-d is here, everywhere. G-d is me and G-d is you. I can talk to G-d as I would a dear friend, a trusted confidante. My words don't have to be recited or perfect, they can just be whatever arises. I can shout them or mouth them silently in prayer or sing them in the shower. And there is no judgment or retaliation or harsh retort.

And when I stop to listen from this place, the parrot is silenced. The obsession is lifted. My will is turned over to the one who can carry it effortlessly for me. I can have this peace in every moment of every day. Guaranteed.

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