Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Promises ...


So take, these broken wings... I need your hands to come and heal me once again.. So I can fly, until the end of time
Originally uploaded by AnnuskA - AnnA Theodora


If there are any words which, when heard each and everytime, send chills through all the cells of my body and vibrate around my heart, it is the words on pages 83-84 of the Big Book, known as "The Promises".

They begin like this:
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it ..."

In last night's Big Book meeting, it was the 27 year anniversary of the featured speaker. And he chose to read The Promises. Not only does the passage have deep meaning for him, but he is having a lived experience of every word contained in this chapter. That was his message to us. Which included the fact that he has sat in the same chair at the far left table of this church basement meeting, practically every Monday night, for 27 years. And he keeps coming back to share his message of strength and hope to others and because he only has 1 day at a time to keep having these Promises fulfilled.

When he called on me to speak last night at the podium, I was overcome with emotion. I shared with the group that I had never given any attention to the Big Book in early sobriety and that this is the first time in 19 years of recovery that I am immersing myself in the work and getting my first glimpses at what life can be like according to the Promises. Just the freedom alone that I am experiencing when I step out of the way and turn things over to G-d. Or when I am direct and honest with another. When I am not trapped in my own selfish isolation and give of myself as I am being guided to do so. When I clean up my side of the street , acknowledge my part and make amends.

In the past, I am acutely aware of the self-imposed prison I constructed, which kept others at a distance and kept me from reaching out. I didn't understand that this is the place I lived; I was under the illusion that I was indeed happy, joyous and free. That is the power of denial and the lies we can tell ourselves when it is too painful to bear being in reality and knowing what is our real truth. I completely relied on what was on the outside, the feedback I received from others to inform me and to be the barometer for what constituted a happy life. I convinced myself for years that this was true. And, over time, little by little, this window to the world got more and more cracks and began to shatter right in front of my eyes.

And this is when the real entry to freedom happens.

When there is no longer a veil or a shield or a coat of armour. When there is just you and G-d and what is here before you.

I am also understanding this: alcoholism is a physical symptom of a spiritual disease. When I listen to the shares in the rooms, time after time, it is so clear that all we've ever wanted was to know G-d, to know peace and love,  to come home to ourselves. This is what is offered to us by diligently working the steps, going to meetings, reading the literature, being of service and carrying this message to other alcoholics. This is at the heart of the Promises.

The last line is: " They will always materialize if we work for them."

These aren't things handed to us because we've put down the drink. That was my thinking for a long time when I stayed out of the rooms. "I'm not drinking and therefore I deserve _______," And, subsequently, when things didn't go my way or I didn't get _______, then I was a victim. Others were bad. And they needed to be cut out of my life because I didn't deserve to be treated in this way. A vicious spiraling cycle of selfishness. Is it any wonder that I didn't experience any of the things offered in the Promises ? I wasn't working for any of them and didn't believe I had to. After all, I suffered enough because of my past, hadn't I ? This is the very thinking that breeds dishonesty, greed, and a myriad of selfish behaviors. By all appearances, I was a kind, good person living a decent life. And I'm not saying that there's not always been a kind, good person inside here, but what I am aware of in this moment is that there was a pretty ugly, indecent person living in the guise of an upstanding citizen.

What brought me to working for the Promises is coming face-to-face with myself. The trouble I got into cheating the government out of tax money, my fears of the unknown and trying to control and manipulate the circumstances and people of my life to soothe myself, my wallowing in the throws of self-pity and victimization, my dishonesty with being in the truth of me. When you have arrived here, there is nowhere else to go. Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. I am reminded of a line from a kabbalistic practice called the Magi process: "Stay there. Stay there. Stay there." And like an obedient dog feeling the pull of its master's leash, I have tried not to stray far from the tug of G-d.

Perhaps this is why the reading of the Promises moves me to my core in the way it does. It is the first time I have been willing to work for anything this hard in my life. Anything short of this today is no longer an option.

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