Becoming a sumo wrestler ...

SUMO WRESTLERS of OLD JAPAN
Originally uploaded by Okinawa Soba
The issues we struggle with in life are all a matter of perspective. My sponsor has arisen everyday for over a year now, not taking a drink, even after the death of the love of her life. The chair at this morning's AA meeting spoke about the yearly anniversary coming up of her best friend's murder. She too, does not take a drink but instead goes to meetings and is now attending a grief support group.
What I am currently struggling with pales in comparison to these 2 examples and yet, for me, it is still significant. I learned in a healing practice day with some kabbalistic classmates yesterday that it is in the "wrestling" that is where the juicy stuff is that we need to heal. It is the willingness to be with our questions, with our struggles and to be in relationship with our longing for wholeness.

A young woman in this morning's meeting shared a fantastic perspective: she has good days and great days. A "good" day is when things go well. A "great" day is when everything goes wrong and she can be in connection with G-d and use the tools of the program AND not take a drink as a result of it.

Given the past 24 hours, I can now say I'm having a GREAT day. At the start of yesterday on the highways of Long Island, my clutch burned out. I pulled off the nearest exit and took it to be repaired at a local service station. Nearly $900 later, it was supposedly "fixed". On this same day, I had the most incredibly connected time with my kabbalistic classmates and, in particular, the love of my life. At the end of our time, I parted with this amazing woman committing to an indefinite time period in which we will have no contact. This is about her having the space to do a significant piece of healing work, which, ultimately, impacts the future of our relationship. All of which is unknown. As I left her last night to drive home, I felt a damn-burst of emotions. My "little one" snuck a few gulps of "poisoned ground" and in the midst of Long Island traffic and a challenging new clutch, my adult self was trying to comfort a very terrified girl in the throws of abandonment crap. A few AA prayers and singing Kabbalistic neguns aloud were all that were needed to calm her. I am all-too-familiar with this territory and am deeply grateful to be able to draw on my experience and my spiritual tools to mend these intense "nega" states. At a stop on the way home, I then became aware of a "burning" smell, which, at closer investigation by a mechanic this morning indicated that the expensive clutch repair was a botched job. It now sits at the Toyota dealership and will likely cost double. Now this is a GREAT day !

I am aware as I reflect on this chain of events that I have been well trained and prepared -- by my healer, my sponsor, my future self, G-d -- in becoming a sumo wrestler. My cavanaugh is trustworthy, as my healer has told me. I want to be with the difficult questions and present to the situations that once used to baffle me. I want to replace my former "Woe is me" identity and storyline with "What is here for me?" instead.

The former version of me who wallowed in self-pity, resentment and other forms of selfish behavior would have reacted from a complete victimized place in light of the events of the past 24 hours. This past version would not be able to "bear" these things happening concurrently and would have done anything to self-soothe, escape or "kill off". My sponsor shared with me this morning that all of this feels like a "re-birth". I couldn't agree more. The current version of me wants to awaken and actively wrestle with what is here and what I want.

In Chesed of Yesod territory, as we fully sip the poison of the toxic soil we were raised in, we spiral through 3 states: nega, o-ghen, oneg. In the past, I felt my nega state (the unhealed, "small" place) very intensely and it would last for a few days. The o-ghen, or pausing, would be very short and then I would return to oneg (the healed, better equipped place). What I am very aware of in these past 24 hours, is that I had a briefly intense nega state that was more readily brought into oneg in a short time period (a 3.5 car ride to be exact) and that awaking this morning I entered o-ghen ... a place of real pause, self-reflection, not nega or oneg but neutral. I have never given this "state" the time it deserves. My clutch issue was holographic in that it was this intensely nega event, quickly repaired and brought into oneg, and, because it wasn't given the time and attention (o-ghen) it really needed, it returned back to an even more unhealed nega state. The o-ghen time for me is about self-care and about wrestling and giving these bigger life questions a fighting chance. All 13 rounds. (I actually have no idea about how many rounds are in sumo wrestling ... I went with the boxing standards!)

Lastly, I am better able to see the big picture and this brings me into a deeper, more vivid relationship with how important it will be to wrestle with each piece of the big picture, a day at a time. To know that it is not my will that controls any sort of outcome, but rather my willingness to accept G-d's will for me that determines where I am to arrive.