Who's sitting next to you ?

I may not be the most important person in your life ...
Originally uploaded by ~Boxica ♥
In my favorite women's meeting, I have been granted the incredible honor to chair this month. As a theme of sorts, I've been selecting readings by women who've authored articles in the AA Grapevine. Tonight's reading was entitled: "The Home Group: Who's sitting next to you?"

The article is about the author's experience of being out of town and going to a meeting and not being acknowledged by any of the members. She experiences the feeling of being an outsider and the fact that no one has bothered to find out who she is, let alone what might be going on for her, such as being a newcomer, being suicidal, having been sent by the courts, etc... She went on to say that regardless of how invisible she felt, she had gratitude simply because a meeting existed for her to attend and to stay sober for one more day.

I am deeply grateful for this particular women's meeting and the fact that every person who walks in the door, especially if they are a new face, is openly embraced, made to feel like they are the most important person in the room. I related to the experience of the author of this article when I first entered the rooms of AA and hid out in the back. No one approached me. No one knew my story, nor seemed to care to. I, on the other hand, could recognize tonight that I too had a responsibility to introduce myself so I could be seen, to reach out and to ask for help. The other side of the coin is that there are meetings which have cliques, the members of which do not reach out to new folks outside of their circle. This too has been my experience recently at a particular women's step meeting. I have attended this meeting at least 4-5 times and when I go to the nearby cafe to get a cup of coffee and I see women from the meeting and wave "hello", I've been hardly acknowledged by some. This is a meeting that does have cliques and that does not warmly welcome a new face. Some women do not even say "Hi", even when I've said it to them. I shared tonight that these kinds of encounters could keep me stewing and stuck in a place of being a "victim" and that is not the story I want to play a part in any longer. I recognize that I have a choice about what meetings I want to attend, what feels right, what is in my best interest. I don't have to hold a resentment, have my ego bruised; I can simply let the experience go and move on.

More importantly, as a member of a familiar meeting group, I have a responsibility to meet and greet the new person walking into the room and to make them feel welcome and accepted. And, I also have a responsibility to pay attention to my fellow members in the room and check in to see how they are, as one member shared tonight -- "to see where they are in their sobriety".

We never know what the state of another member is sitting next to us if we don't take the time to really notice them. Sometimes there are huge, heavy weights that they are carrying and need us to help lighten the load. Or to have an ear or a hand to hold. In tonight's meeting, there were no exceptions. A couple of women entered our room tonight for the first time and had only 2 weeks of sobriety. A "regular" who was visibly shaken at the start of the meeting tearfully and humbly shared how her 8 years of sobriety was squelched after picking up a drink and that tonight, she had just 24 hours. These women are the most important people in the room. They are the visible reminders to each of us about the fragility of sobriety and the reason why we keep coming back and the invaluable gift of the fellowship.   

And then there's the women who are regularly enduring incredible hardship who you wouldn't necessarily know what is happening for them unless you struck up a conversation with them.   In this women's meeting alone,   there are women who are bearing seemingly unbearable grief.   There are women who are battling serious illness.   Some who are taking care of aging,  sickly parents.   Others who are just trying to stay afloat as they juggle and balance relationships and children and finances.    And they are all doing it without taking a drink and that's why they continue to come to meetings.

Something that hit me tonight was that there were 3 women in this very room who were the first people to welcome and greet me when I returned back to AA this past January. They made me feel like it was completely okay to come back home -- like they were waiting for me all this time. I had the chance to thank each one of them tonight for their kindness. I know what it's like to be treated like the most important person in the room. And that's what I can now give back to others.