Humility ...

. h u m b l e d
Originally uploaded by .bryan.stupar.

I went to a Step meeting that I've not been to in quite some time. It was incredibly packed, with many familiar faces from other rooms I frequent.

Tonight was Step 7: "Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings".

After we made the rounds to read the entire step in the 12/12, a speaker shared what this step means to her and then the floor was open for members' shares. The speaker remarked a lot about how she works this step daily and that the one shortcoming she's been asking to have removed is her need to control. She very confidently told us that she felt quite free because this has been removed and she's been able to let go.

So... as the shares begin, the speaker is now interjecting her opinion after each person's remarks, sometimes giving the person a suggestion of how they may approach their situation. I am one such person that has shared; I talk about what the 7th step is for me right now and how I sometimes ask God to "hold a place" for a difficult feeling to live in me, as a character defect of mine is about holding and stuffing painful feelings and this is my interim step to move toward fully asking for the shortcoming to be removed altogether. After I share, the speaker lets me know that while she understands where I am, that it's important for me to "let go" of the feelings I am describing. My initial internal reaction is one of irritation, rising even to "Who the fuck do you think you are?". I am literally experiencing what I have just shared and in this moment, I ask God for help during the meeting. And I continue to watch the speaker reply to other members and I feel a softening wash over me. I realize that her initial remarks about this step and her character defect of the need to be in control was very much here and that my reaction to her was not mine to have at all. I was witnessing the presence of this character defect, in all its glory, and it was not up to me, but rather the speaker to ask to have it removed, if and when she is aware of it. Interestingly enough, being in control is one of MY character defects too and its presence in the room was quite a mirror for me and a reminder about all the ways this shows up for me, particularly when I am with strangers or in a group that I want to keep "at bay" or when I am fearful of being in a place of "not knowing". I may venture to guess that this could have been the case for tonight's speaker, as she was visiting from out of town and asked to come and speak at the last minute and only knew 2 people in the room.

Step 7 is a continuous process and even when we believe that something's been "completely removed", life situations have a way of cracking the door open and our defect may scurry in without us even knowing.

In kabbalistic healing, to have humility is to be guided by Tiferet -- our wise sage within. It is the God-voice inside that divinely tells us when to be quiet or when to speak up. It may steer us to delve deeper or to look right in front of our noses. It keeps us from acting on impulse. It hastens our urgency. In Step 7, I feel like it is the wisdom of Tiferet that is present when we are hit with the insight, the "drop-to-your-knees" moment, of pausing and saying aloud "This is the thing that's getting between me and the rest of the world -- God can you help lift it for me?"

It was a Step 7 moment that brought me back into the rooms of AA after an extended absence. Step 7 work has been the force behind many of my blog entries. Step 7 is what will ultimately allow me to live a sober life. Step 7 is the reminder that there are no apologies for being human and that I am in good company, always.