The courage of recovery

The courage to be different
Originally uploaded by aviana2


The speaker at tonight's meeting is a quiet yet powerful presence in the rooms, a living example of solid recovery.   It is pretty much unanimous that we all want what she has.

She began her story by telling of the incest she endured from the time she was 3 years old. And how she thought she may be "saved" after she and her mother moved to Japan when she was 8, only to return back home with a new stepfather who would repeat the violations into her teenage years. After bravely disclosing to her mother what had occurred and not being supported, she was able to obtain a lock for her bedroom door so that she would never be harmed again. And then she fled from this home to go to college and, like many of us, believed she found the freedom from pain she longed for inside of a bottle of liquor.

The speaker has 28 years of sobriety and yet, she emphasized to us the importance of not ever taking time accumulated for granted. She shared how attending beginner's meetings kept her sobriety in check. And that just last night while at one such meeting, she was seated next to a young man celebrating 1 week of sobriety. He showed her all of the 24 hr coins he had collected and asked how many of those she had acquired. She replied to him: "Just one. My first sponsor told me to always remember my 1st 24 hrs and that, in order to stay sober, I would never need to collect another 24 hr coin again."

I sat in reverence and in awe of the way this woman faces her sobriety, the way she still works a program, and the courage it takes to be in recovery.

It is easy to open one's throat repeatedly and pour down booze in an effort to numb unbearable pain. For many of us, it was the only thing we had to survive at the time. It is an illusion that alcohol will save us. And it is a downright cowardly act. Suicide, 1 drink at a time.

The true act of bravery is the moment when we open our eyes, our hearts, our souls and allow for divine intervention to enter in. It is in our first acknowledgment that we are powerless and that we want help. That we don't want to turn to the bottle any more. That we want to live differently. Our speaker tonight shared how she was told at her very first AA meeting that she never had to hurt from alcohol again. I've heard many others recall that same message given to them when they first came into the rooms. We believe that alcohol takes away the pain of our lives and it does the exact opposite -- it makes the hurt magnified. Ten-fold. The recognition of this is when we step into reality and understand that alcohol is NOT the solution. It is rather the cause of tremendous misery and suffering.

I visited old friends today before attending this meeting - both as a reunion and to make amends. My harm to one of these friends in particular was done while sober. I aligned, under coercion, with my then partner who had a work-related falling out with this friend -- who I knew a number of years before my partner did. I did not have the courage then to stand up to my partner and to express my desire to maintain a separate relationship with this friend. I, instead, gave my power away and sided with my partner as she told this friend that she could no longer be around her. As I began to recount this with my friend at her kitchen table, she stopped me mid-way through to share that she understood what the dynamic was between my partner and I at that time and that the pleading look in my eyes on that fateful day confirmed for her that I was in a position of not having a choice. And that she made her peace with me on that day. This was the presence of utter "grace" as I sat across from her, tears streaming down my face. It is said often in the rooms that all that is required is a willingness. And, instead of feeling guilty or wallowing in shame about time lost, a commitment was made tonight in the here and now to have regular Sunday dinners. This is an example of the "gifts of sobriety" that people talk about time and time again at meetings. I am just beginning to experience what this really means. Tonight, for me, was a loving lesson in the courage of recovery. And that all I need to do is be willing to show up. God takes care of the rest.