Growing up ...

growing up
Originally uploaded by amburrr d.

Over the past 2 weeks, I have been "unpacking" my selfishness in all of its forms: self-seeking, self-centeredness, and, most importantly, self-pity. The latter being the most insidious, weaving its vine-like self in places that are not always visible yet, when eventually felt by others, is a strangle-hold -- the impact of which is significant.

I have done a lot of unwinding and detoxing from the poisonous soil I was brought up in which caused damage all the way to the tips of my roots. The first leg of this work was to understand the origins ... the woundings of my mother and father. The impact of being adopted. My fears of the unknown as a result of experiencing layers of abandonment. My alcoholism and other behaviors associated with avoidance of pain and of feeling. My co-dependency and all the ways I gave myself away. And, as I learned today in an incredible session with my kabbalistic healer, my victim-hood in all of the above and how deeply embedded this was until recently.

My healer explained that children who are raised in alcoholic or other versions of chaotic homes miss the natural developmental stage of expressing selfishness ("I want, I want, I want" ). Instead, we are forced to grow up very quickly. Put our needs and wants aside. Be passive. Be submissive. These kinds of qualities are the "nega" version of the branch on the Tree known as Hod. As we get older, we develop huge resentments towards others for "missing out" on getting to be a kid. Wherein lies the ugly beginnings of victimization. Of self-pity. Of blaming others for our troubles. Or as my healer so aptly named: "The Woe Is Me" stage . And this is the identity that I took on for the majority of my life. And it crept into nearly every relationship, difficult interaction. It was my system of operation. And, the really wild thing is this: I couldn't friggin' see it. Until now. My healer explained that because it was embedded so deeply in me, it was a blindspot. And it is only in the process of waking up, having a willingness to really look at myself within in a way that I had been too terrified to do before, that enabled this seemingly hidden sore to be seen clearly and vividly.

A very recent heartfelt amends to someone I love with all of my heart was about this very dynamic. How my victimness seaped into our relationship and deeply impacted this person. How I took us both hostage from this place. I never want to terrorize another person I care for in this way again.

When you're "in it", up to your eyeballs in a pile of victim shit, everything is murky, muddy and fuzzy. There is no clarity. I had the belief that no one could meet me. No one saw me. No one understood what I had endured. No one would treat me in the ways that they did if they felt like me. What about me ?? This particular form of selfish behavior was a self-imposed prison.  And if you got close enough,  you too were behind bars.  And then there was the trap door that led directly into my head. This was the engine room that fueled the behavior. Here's a typical conversation that took place up there: "_____ didn't call me. I didn't even get a text back. Do they think I'm supposed to take this? Fuck them. I deserve to be treated better than this. See if I care. Let 'em go find another sucker to be their friend. I'm outta here." My mind had razors that would cut you at every turn. But then, here's the twisted part: my fear of abandonment would kick in simultaneously, so when that friend finally called or texted, I pretended that nothing bothered me. I'd even go as far to say things like: "I've been SO busy! You caught me on a good day!" I did this to put a band-aid on my victimized bruises. Which were self-inflicted !

My healer shared with me today that one of the helpful tools to combat this is the ability to make room for when we are feeling "small", like a "little kid" and to be gentle with ourselves in kind. I'm learning this, baby step by baby step. In AA, there are additional tools: taking ownership and responsibility for our own behavior by doing a regular self-inventory of our behavior and to make amends, preferably as soon as we are aware that we've caused harm (10th step).

I am grateful beyond words to have found the willingness to want to look at myself -- at the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. To continue to awaken and open my eyes wider. To venture to the places that scare me and be supported by unconditionally loving, accepting people in my life who help me to be fearless and honest and real. And to become my better self (progress not perfection!)   This is true freedom -- for myself and for those around me. 

It is a relief to finally be growing up...