Friday, September 25, 2009

Amending regrets


A Sleeping Cherub in Babyland
Originally uploaded by musicmuse_ca

Amends: something given or done to make up for harm that one has caused or done.

Regrets: a troubled feeling or remorse over something one has done or left undone.


Last evening, as I took my 1st steps toward 9th step work, I learned a very important distinction from my sponsor between what are amends versus what are regrets. The list I presented before her consisted of situations that were primarily regrets. She helped me to understand how our own remorseful feelings about situations can lead us to believe that we were the sole cause of harm and therefore it must be something that we need to make an amends for. And the reality is, that we DID have a role to play when we experience regret about a situation AND the other half of the equation is that the other person also played a role.

I had several friends ( including couples) who were mutual friends of both my ex and I. After our break-up, some friends gravitated toward my ex and some toward me. In a few instances, friends that gravitated toward my ex had made attempts, in minor ways, to contact me. I made some contact as well. And then, it no longer felt safe. I didn't want to take a chance that what i shared with them would possibly be passed on to my ex. And I ended the contacts without any warning, without any notice. And I didn't return some phone calls or text messages. And over time, there was no contact made by either party. In allowing these situations to be in my awareness, I am experiencing regrets for my actions as well as the losses. At the same time, I need to be gentle with myself about "who I was" when I made those decisions and how safety was crucial for me, given that I had left an unsafe relationship.

The amending of these regrets can take a variety of forms. In some cases, it may just be to "hold" the other person(s) in prayer and myself and ask for the ability to "let go" of the regret. In other cases, it may be writing a letter to simply reach out and to say "I'm thinking of you. It's been a long time since we've been in touch" - without any expectation of forgiveness, a reply or reuniting.

Those situations which most definitely require making an amends are ones which no longer have a comfortable place in my being. Their life inside of me has expired and the space they are taking up is interfering with my integrity. These may be direct and in person and some will be a written letter that is mailed. This is about my cleaning up my side of the street and being clear. It is about giving an eviction notice to what has been kept as a dirty secret inside of my being.

And I realize too that the pull and tug inside of me that I can no longer live with that moves me toward making an amends is also filled with regret. It is the recognition that I did something to harm another and in the harboring of it inside of me, I also harmed myself.

This morning I did the 3rd step prayer as a way to "seal" my commitment toward taking the steps to make these amends, to address these regrets. I already feel the weight being lifted.

"God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always."

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