In the land of misfits ...

We're Snow Angels!!
Originally uploaded by GioLovesYou

The speaker at tonight's AA meeting very painstakingly recalled all of the ways in which she didn't "fit" or have a sense of belonging when she drank. This is a very common thread joining alcoholics, as it is replayed over and over again during stories shared in meetings.

Perhaps this is why the famous quote from Shakespeare, "To thine own self be true" is engraved on every AA anniversary coin.

Outside of the rooms, we are in the land of misfits ... not unlike Rudolph the Red-Nosed reindeer or the elf Herbie who wants to be a dentist in the well-known Christmas special that's been aired since I was a child. The speaker tonight recalled how all she wanted to do was ballet and because of a variety of circumstances in her home, it never came to fruition. And she jumped from 1 thing to another, still feeling like a mishapen puzzle piece. Until she was introduced to alcohol. And then she could turn into anything she had desired to be.

This is the illusion of alcohol. That we are more confident. That we are funny. That we are attractive. The life of the party. Cunning, baffling, powerful. It convinces us that we are all these things and more.

I thought all of these things came true when I poured that magical substance down my throat and felt its spell. I suddenly had self-esteem. I was desirable. I was hysterically funny and everyone wanted to be around me. Lies, Lies, Lies. This is what alcohol will lead you to believe. And then the spell wears off. And you keep chasing those feelings. And you begin to sink. To drown. And then you drink so you don't have to feel as bad as you do. And to not see how ugly you've become. And to not let yourself know that people are now laughing AT you, not with you. It's a vicious cycle.

People shared tonight the myriad of ways that they didn't fit in. Being adopted. Being too short. Being too fat. Being abused. Being gay. Not smart enough. Not good enough. Not enough period.

I have written about many of the ways I didn't fit in. And also how I separated myself. My misfitness was also an illusion, a story I told myself and then convinced myself of. I've learned in my kabbalistic healing that, particularly if our history is dysfunctional which is most often the case for alcoholics, we don't have enough of ourselves. So we shape-shift and change form in order to try to fit, to be accepted, to conform.

And then the miracle happens. Rudolph became the lead reindeer on Santa's sleigh because of his bright snout. Herbie tamed the hairy beast that terrorized everyone by repairing his aching tooth. And one by one, we alcoholics experienced divine intervention that led us through the doors of AA. And when we look around the room and we share our stories of experience, strength and hope, we feel a sense of belonging. We are no longer an outcast, a misfit toy. Someone opens their mouth and what we hear is an echo of our own voice, our own story.

Each time I enter the rooms of AA, there is a chair with my name on it. And I know I belong just as much as the person next to me. In AA, I am coming home to me.