Saturday, September 26, 2009

Taming our voice


Angry kitty
Originally uploaded by Tambako the Jaguar

This morning's AA mtg discussion topic was about restraint of pen and tongue and, specifically, about how to respond and not react to people and situations.

People's shares on this topic ranged from those who held everything in to those who spewed venom as they "drank at" others. When alcohol was not in my system, I barricaded everything inside of me behind several gates with bolts. As I got good and juiced, the dam burst and it took 1 of 2 forms: crying or raging. If I had an issue with someone, it would surface under the influence of alcohol. And not only did it rear its ugly head, but it would be in the form of ceaseless ranting -- as reported to me by a number of now ex-friends. Primarily though, I was a crying drunk. Slobbering and pathetic, wallowing in deep self-loathing and pity. I am told that I frequently cried about losing people and would repeatedly tell them that I loved them and that they were my bestest friend in the world. This was my abandonment stuff through and through. Alcohol left us without any filter. It was truth serum. And it was poisonous. It is the damage from this behavior that is often the reason we need to make amends.

And even after getting sober, understanding that alcohol was only a symptom of a larger problem, this behavior may continue until we begin to work the steps. I'm just learning now how invaluable this work truly is in terms of my being able to find my "right voice".

When I put down the bottle, my voice shriveled up and returned to its former state from the years of childhood conditioning. Say things that are pleasing. Say things that will endear people to you. Don't say "no". Speak when spoken to. Don't be a "pot stirrer". These are all the spoken and unspoken messages I learned from my parents. Holding back my voice created a build-up of venom that ate away my insides. My mind was full of razors. And eventually, this crap leaked out. In the form of passive-aggressiveness. In sarcasm. In control-freakishness. In witholding. In digs. In eventually snapping at someone or something seemingly out of the blue. I was a rubber-band tightly wound, unable to hold its shape and then shooting in every direction in its unmanageable elasticity.

In Step 1 we admit to our powerlessness and our unmanageability. At 1st, this is a surrender to alcohol. Over time, you can put any defect or unhealthy trait in the place of the word alcohol. And in acknowledging this powerlessness, we actually become empowered, re-gain control.

In today's meeting, many people spoke about finding their own voice in sobriety. The one that speaks the truth of ourselves. The one that leads us to do the next right thing. My sponsor refers to this as our "God-voice". My kabbalistic healer might call this our "Future Self". It is the voice that has both kindness and directness. It is the voice that does not aim to harm but rather seeks to heal. This is the voice I'm beginning to listen to and the one I want to speak out into the world.

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