In AA, "living life on life's terms" is one of the many slogans in the program that is part of our tools for coping, for being in life soberly. Almost all of us when we tell our stories or share in meetings can recall how quick we were to pick up a drink the moment that something didn't go our way or to drown out anything that resembled conflict, pain or difficulty in the slightest.
I am reminded of this slogan in particular today after a very tender conversation with one of the men in my home group meeting last evening, whose non-Hodgkins lymphoma has metasticized to multiple parts of his body, now spreading to his eyes. I see him every Wednesday evening, faithfully, even when his chemotherapy & radiation have kicked the life out of him. He embodies "living life on life's terms". When you talk to this guy and ask how treatment is going or how he's feeling, he will often reply with: "I feel like shit but at least I didn't drink today." More in-depth conversation with him reveals that his focus every day is about being in reality with his cancer and to do this in a sober way. Working his program is his guiding force while the cancer, to some extent, is incidental in the bigger picture of his life. I am humbled every time I am in his presence.
In the throws of my alcoholism in my early twenties as I entered the work force, the instant that something went awry on the job, I could be found outside chain-smoking Marlboro cigarettes, then heading to the 7-11 for a Big Gulp of Sprite, only 1/2 filled with soda, so I could prepare an on-the-spot super-sized cocktail soother by filling the remainder of the cup with vodka from my stash in the car. I would do this over petty things, like my boss correcting me about paperwork not being completed properly to larger things, like one of my clients being admitted to the hospital. I had absolutely zero coping tools outside of booze. Alcohol solved every problem and, little did I know then, was at the root of every problem. This fundamental issue is conveyed over and over again in meetings. None of us lived on life's terms because we couldn't handle what life dealt us. We felt victimized in every way and that we were not deserving of what life was giving us. We clung to our collective fucked-up pasts and felt we were entitled to drink because of what was done to us. The idea of being "present" to life was foreign. We were absent and oblivious. Until we put down that drink long enough to come out of our pickled coma and take a peek at the world in front of us.
And even when we put down the drink like I did, if you're not working a program and living sober, you still might not be living life on life's terms. I was half-awake for 16 years of my abstinence from alcohol and my way of dealing with life's terms was to push through and past things quickly, stuff them down, avoid them, or completely deny that they existed. Until they were re-gurgitated in the form of rage, shame and resentment. When I finally did my first real 4th step a few months ago, the list of resentments were double during the time I was "sober" compared to when I was drinking. This was the true wake-up call. My eyes opened wide.
Today, I am constantly in awe of what I am willing to sit with and be present to without any temptation to douse it with a drink. Living life on life's terms is akin to the kabbalistic phrase: "Being with what is". It is not about scrambling to make it into something else. It is about a willingness and a desire to be in the reality of one's life. And to not judge it but rather let it "be" just as it is. To not control it but to let it unfold. I've shared in several meetings that I'd rather have the experience of deeply felt sorrow than to be asleep to my life. Agonizing pain just like heartfelt joy are both reminders of our aliveness. I want it all.
That, to me, is living life on life's terms.
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