On the deck of my future self ...

antiguasunset
Originally uploaded by playzwifstonz
This was the sunset view on the island of Antigua - the last cruise I took with my former partner at the end of 2005. I managed to salvage a handful of travel pictures online that had meaning to me, while letting go of the hundreds more that did not.

It was on the deck of this ship that I sketched the landscape and began serious contemplation about ending my relationship. Looking out at this glorious creation of G-d, I can recall a voice inside uttering statements like: "There is beauty that is beyond what is in front of me. I am stuck and deeply unhappy. I want more in this life." I was also reading Eckhart Tolle's book, "The Power of Now" , along with listening to the CD's and was immersed in his powerful message.

This trip was one of the many detours we took to veer away from looking at the wreckage of our relationship. My mother had just spent several months in the hospital prior to this trip and it was not certain at this point as to whether or not she had lung cancer. I had been commuting between Philly and Bethlehem for countless weeks and was completely and utterly exhausted. My partner was absent in every way during this time, making only 1 trip to the hospital with me, while spending the remaining days disappearing further and further into the bottle. I was filled with resentment and rage and suppressed it so far down out of pure fear of losing total control.

And so I'd disappear on the deck of the ship, finding a solitary spot away from the hundreds of travelers, losing myself in fantasy and then experiencing moments of reality that stung as they slapped me in the face. My partner was far too interested in the activity at the bar to even notice that I was missing. I remember being terrified about what I'd be facing in the not-so-distant future yet knew on some level that I was building my strength slowly and steadily for the impending crash. I savored every sunset before the nightly storm in the room.

What a paradox to feast on the stunning, tropical scenery at every turn while choking on the bitterness of my life simultaneously. Where there is beauty there is also ugly; one can't exist without the other. This was a statement of our relationship; the exterior was aesthetically-pleasing, while the interior was an eye-sore. Over time, no amount of decorations can hide a junkyard. Sometimes, you just need to tear it down. Steam roll it. Re-build somewhere else.

In the words of my healer: "The future self not only calls me but is me now. It is the essence of me that's always traveled along. It is already in everything. The hard work is to unfold it."