Claiming my seat ...

I love the acceptance and honesty found in my regular Thursday night women's AA meeting.
Tonight,  in particular,  I was the direct recipient.

At the beginning of the meeting,  as part of the usual AA agenda,  the chair asked if there were any anniversaries this week.   I remained silent  but restless.   When it was time to share,   I spoke about how I've grappled this week between acknowledging my 19 years of abstinence,  having really only worked Step 1 of the program for 18 of it,  and honoring my almost 9 months of really working the AA steps and making a concerted effort to live soberly.    It was the consensus of this group that I should be celebrating these hard-earned 19 years for the sheer fact that I didn't pick up a drink and that many folks in and out of the rooms are not able to even do this.    This was also the consensus at my Tuesday night meeting,  as well as the sage advice of a most trusted soul who is on the periphery of these rooms.

I realized tonight that there is a fine line between humility and martyrdom and that I am teetering between them as if trying to keep my balance on a tightrope. 

There are branches on the Tree of Life in Kabbalistic healing that pertain to this struggle.   They are Netzach and Hod.   Netzach,  on the masculine side of the tree,  has the qualities of victory, conquering,  triumph.  Hod, on the feminine side,  embodies gratefulness, splendor, surrender to name a few.   When Netzach is not in its healed state,  it can look like rebellion or show up as a feeling of emptiness even when a person has had successes.    When Hod is not healed,  it takes the form of going along with things too easily,  feeling like a victim.

My reluctance, perhaps even resistance,  to embracing my 19 years of not drinking is partly connected to some unhealed aspects of both Netzach and Hod.   It's an old tape of my history about undeservedness,  about staying small and hidden.   This is where unhealthy submission and surrender enter in and then spiral downward into victimization,  martyrhood. 

And,  there is a healthy aspect that is here too.  And this is about wanting to be in integrity about the meaning of sobriety for me.   I want to honor the hard of work of my 9 months of making meetings,  working a program.    This is the humility piece.

The meeting-after-the-meeting with a small group of women tonight helped me to see the entire picture.   And the fact that I can have it all.    It was even suggested that I have 2 anniversaries so that both aspects of my sobriety could be included.   One wise soul from this small circle spoke about how she's had waves of being in and out of the rooms and regardless of whether she is committed to working a good program or not,  she honors the fact that during this time she does not take a drink.   And sometimes that is the reason to celebrate.

So I shared with this little circle of women that next week when the chair says:  "Any anniversaries?"    I will proudly raise my hand and proclaim.   "Gimme my fuckin' coin!"
Healed Netzach/Hod is about victory over those small voices that say not to be yourself.   It is a celebration of your individual self.   

Tonight,   I claim my rightful seat in the rooms of AA.    "I'm K.   I'm an alcoholic.   I have 19 years of sobriety."