Stolen moments...

Stealing~1
Originally uploaded by J o r
In tonight's meeting, the focus was on Step 9: making direct amends to those we harmed. The theme that kept arising in share after share was the rampant theft among us alcoholics during our drinking and even non-drinking periods.

Stealing takes a myriad of forms, some I hadn't given a lot of thought about until the sharing began. Shoplifting, taking money out of wallets, misappropriating funds from work are the obvious forms. Borrowing items without asking, stealing time from people and from work places are the less obvious ones.

Confession time. I committed every type of thievery. Drunk and sober. Most I've made amends for; some I have not.

My first acts of stealing were long before I became an alcoholic. A number of members spoke about this same phenomenon tonight. My mother had  pocketbooks in every color for every occasion, which is what women aspired to in her generation. And at a very young age, perhaps as early as 9 years old, an accidental discovery when exploring the purses in her closet for their contents revealed that my mother would tuck away dollar bills in certain compartments. This "game" turned into an obsession that produced a "rush", a "high". I acquired many dollar bills over the course of probably 4-5 years. I was clever enough to know to not do this every week and not to target the same purse, so as to not get caught.

When I began to drink in high school and even though I was working, I wanted and believed I deserved more. And I was resentful that I had to work to pay for college because my parents would not be paying for it. The purse thefts graduated to 10 dollar bills, then 20 dollar bills. And cigarettes from my father's cartons. And then beer bottles from the garage. After all, he put me through hell.

In college, particularly as my drinking progressed, I would "borrow" items from roommates -- clothing mostly, then food, cigarettes, booze. After awhile, it was all about the booze. When I lived off campus, I regularly stole bags of chips from the quick mart near my apartment. I think they felt sorry for me because it would be so obvious I was stealing; I would stumble in, not buy anything and you could hear the crackling of the chip bag in my coat pocket. The worst of my thieving, however, was at the hoagie shop that I worked at during my junior and senior years. It started witih giving away hoagies to friends. Then, it was taking money from the cash register. Back then, nothing was computerized so it was really easy to pull it off. A twenty here and there. Sometimes more, as my drinking habit got more expensive. And of course, I needed to show off and buy rounds for people at the bar. About 7-8 years after I got sober, I was doing trainings in the town next to that college campus. I made a special trip to that hoagie shop and made an amends. I wrote them a check for $200 to pay back what I believed I had stolen. It was very fulfilling to be able to do this.

Stealing took many other forms when I was in the throws of my alcoholism and working in a "real" job. At the first group home I supervised, I collected a paycheck for hours that I actually didn't work. I justified this by the fact that I was the live-in supervisor and was "on-site", yet was often stoned and drunk and holed up in my attached apartment and not working at all. I sat the women in front of a rented video and called it a "leisure activity" in my notes. I robbed them of opportunities that they could have been receiving quality support. During this time, I had a 2nd job -- bartender. An absolutely PERFECT sideline job for a budding alcoholic. I stole so much liquor on every shift I worked; I didn't carry it out the door, mind you, I delivered it straight down my throat with each trip to the basement to "bring up stock". I never made any amends to either of these places of employment.

I wanted to keep up with everyone in terms of clothes and material items during my drinking years. And you couldn't do that on a human services paycheck. Not even with the supplemental bartending, which was all drank away. So I got credit cards for every place imaginable. And then didn't pay them. This is stealing what you don't have. And when I maxed out on those cards, I took out cards in my mother's name. Now it's identity theft. It took me close to 7 years to eventually get my credit in good standing. And a very remorseful amends to my mother.

The stealing I've had the greatest shame and guilt about was when I moved to the city I currently live in and worked as a group home supervisor for 6 men. I was responsible for their money and had access to their bank accounts. On several occasions, I cashed money orders from their accounts, forging them, and using the money for drinking sprees. I stole approximately $500. A year into my sobriety, having tearfully shared this crime with the women's therapy group I attended, it was suggested that I make an amends with an anonymous donation to this agency. On 2 different occasions, I sent money orders for $250 a piece. Even thinking about what I did in this moment brings up an uneasiness and the thought aloud of "Who WAS this person?" She is barely recognizable.

And, the stealing is not over.

In sobriety, I stole time at plenty of jobs by not doing the work I was supposed to be doing while on the job but rather doing non-work things and still getting paid. And then there was the taking of extra office supplies for my own personal use. "Everyone else does it" was my justification.

And then there was the unsober act that came with me shortly after returning to the rooms of AA. Stealing from Uncle Sam. Being behind on paying my taxes as a self-employed person. And having to admit to this to those I loved. And to once again come to my mother about a financial bind I've gotten myself into. This is humbling beyond words.

The re-entry into AA brought me right into Step 9. I had to "own" that I created the financial mess that I was now facing. And, I was willing to do something about it. I was taking self-responsibility. This amends was being made by me to myself.

The session I had with my kabbalistic healer when all of this came to a head was very powerful and very healing. She acknowledged to me that I have enough tools in my being now to handle this. That I was led back to AA so that I could get support to re-visit the places I was drowning in when I was drinking. First, sorrow. Then, anger. It was anger that fueled my stealing. My warped reasoning had me believing that I was entitled to things because of what I was exposed to, what I had to endure.

The work I am doing in AA and in my healing is helping me build a bigger container so that these feelings have a place to live inside of me. So that they are safe. So that I don't have to steal from anyone or anywhere ever again.