Chapter 1

Last July at a summer retreat for my kabbalistic program, I experienced a shattering.  I recognize now that this was the first chapter in terms of unfolding my myth of unlovability.  Below is a piece I wrote to capture this painful yet pivotal moment.    Unlike yesterday's post,   this is the unedited,  raw version of my story.


the unraveling begins
on the concrete bench
among the bees
and butterflies
feeding upon the brilliant zinnias
~ a temporary refuge
on this mountain retreat
where I have re-acquainted myself
with the dimly lit
back-room chambers
of my heart
the contents of which
i had deeply buried
so long ago --
to unearth them
was both startling
and hauntingly familiar

there was no shovel
nor a map
that lead me here
but rather
a keen and loving tour guide
with an acute inner ear
for hidden clues
her gentle probing
gave access to
doors previously bolted
opening up
overcrowded closets
stuffed with
history books
and hidden messages
and graphic pictures

she took my hand in hers
to steady me
as the floodwaters
of childhood memories
gushed and overflowed
bursting the well-constructed dams
of defense
built to keep the pain-filled
stream of tears
from rising
to the surface

drenched and soaked
stripped of
my protective garments
i stand shivering
and naked
before her
searching for a coat of shame
to drape over me
to shield against the onslaught
of judgment and repulsion
that will surely be flung
for exposing such a
murky,
muddy
mess
i prepare for isolation,
the ache of aloneness
and inevitable abandonment

and yet the wise guide
-this angel in disguise-
still remains
amid my pouring rain
she bends in closely
her face meeting mine
and drinks from
the salty pools
covering my eyes
enabling me to see
with tremendous clarity
that I will not drown

we wade in shallower water
careful not to step
on the fragile fragments
in the rubble
of this stormy shattering
with the kindness of
her outstretched hand
i am lifted
to firmly stand
feet touching ground
moving forward
on a stronger set of legs
ready to explore,
uncover,
embrace,
discover
the full story
of me