This is the step we read at the morning AA meeting I attended. To me, it's the continuation of the hand that's been extended to us when we're in the quicksand of alcoholism. It's not just letting the hand pull us out and then we're done with it. It's about remembering the pivotal role of that hand and to allow that hand to be there to walk with us when the road gets bumpy or to let that hand rest on our shoulder when we need to be comforted or to receive that hand meeting ours in a celebratory "high-5" when we turn over a situation that we realize we don't need to try to control.
In my early sobriety, I would get hung up on and reject any of the steps that referenced God. I wasn't feelin' anything that even remotely had the scent of religion or spirituality. I think a lot of this had to do with the fact that church and God and Jesus and sins were shoveled down my throat every Sunday of my childhood and early adolescence and I only experienced fear in relationship to God, rather than the unconditional, all-loving presence that I've come to know today. Many folks in AA talk about their early resistance to the God-thing and how they were able to get past it and work the steps was to substitute a label that resonated with their own belief system at the time. Many people use "Higher Power". Some people consider the community of AA as the "power greater than themselves" . It is only in this later stage of true sobriety and working a program that I have been able to wrap my brain around the God-concept and have the willingness to take this step.
My return as the prodigal daughter of AA back in January of this year was, in part, connected to this very step. I had hit a dry bottom. My finances were in a state of ruin and I had been ignoring a potentially grave situation related to paying taxes. Issues of money for me were just a microcosm of a larger, unhealthy picture of not working a program and not living in a sober way. I wanted to control everything in my life. I feared losing control in any way. The appearance of "being together" fed into my ego, my pride. Being strong, being independent, not needing to be taken care of were the principles that guided my life. Coming face-to-face with my finances also enabled me to meet head-on the other realities of my life. Disclosing my current state of affairs to trusted loved ones brought me to a place of deep humility. I had no choice but to turn my will over to the care of God. I had nowhere else to go.
I also realize that we never truly finish working any steps in AA but rather we re-visit them and, if we're open, may get exactly what we need at a particular time that we need it.
It is a tremendous comfort to know that I can meet anything in my life and have a hand to hold, that is always there and always willing to take mine.
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