Calm in the Eye of the Storm ...

Sparky Shortgrass Prairie
Originally uploaded by Fort Photo
Driving home tonight from my favorite women's meeting, there was such a fury in the sky. Lightening streaks everywhere, rain falling hard, then suddenly nothing. Wind blowing wildly in places, then not. The threat of hail was pending, according to the radio forecast, with a severe storm warning in effect.

In the midst of the chaos of the heavens, I felt a deep peace. Like the calm that is described in the "eye" of a hurricane. Swirling frenzy on the outside, eerie stillness on the inside. In Kabbalistic terms, this would be the place of "O-ghen" ... steady, anchored, pausing. Sitting in this place, I can see the whirl of activity surrounding me and yet not be compelled to chase, fix, control or stop it. I felt this while in my car making the trek home in the midst of this storm; it was not about being in the shelter of the car, but rather the safe haven I have learned to create within myself. A statement that comes up for me is: "I trust myself to bear this."

Earlier today, I had a brief meeting with my boss at the University where I am an adjunct faculty. I called this meeting with her to get feedback about how she regarded me as a member of her teaching team. I have received "hot and cold" messages from her based on how I am viewed by her tenured full-time faculty versus by student consensus. Sitting in her office, she flitted about like a nervous butterfly, desperately looking for just the right flower petal to land on. She combed through piles on her desk, shuffling papers, barely able to make eye contact with me. I watched and observed this human tornado spin circles around me, while I sat steady and still in the vortex. I was able to respond and not react to her. I was clear and direct in my statements. Having an expected outcome from this discussion was not my mission; maintaining my integrity was.

Nestled in this place of stillness enabled me to stay with myself, to know what my needs were, to hear my own inner voice. I recognize how, in the past, I would be dragged into the hail-laden, wind-whipping cyclone of another's fury. I would frantically try to keep up with and manage and control everything that was blowing around. I would get swept up and literally lose my balance in the other's messiness, not knowing what was mine or what was theirs. Then desperately attempt to make sense of all the pieces that had been strewn around. The efforting to do this was both exhausting and dizzying.

To be calm in the eye of the storm is about taking impeccable care of oneself and one's interior. There are clear boundaries about where one person's still center begins and ends and where another's pelting rain and wind begin and end -- thereby, no confusion of inside and outside. There are not sudden or impulsive movements outward from this place because there is an understanding of how easily it is to be tossed and turned about, unable to maintain equilibrium. There is keen, sharp presence without hypervigilance. It is knowing what the danger is "out there" and making the decision to "stay here". It requires patience and steadfastness to ride out the turbulence and not get jolted by it. There are no frantic attempts to be saved, rescued ... just staying in the "zone" of one's truest self.