The Power of Pausing

Lagunas y pausas
Originally uploaded by ibán ramón
In my Sunday night AA meeting, a speaker who I have never met before shared her story. A key theme of her sharing was the impulsive manner by which her fleeting, seemingly casual thoughts about a drink or a hit from a crack pipe would be acted upon with the swiftness of the snap of a finger; she was dumb-founded at how in one moment she merely had a thought and then hours or even days later in a hazy stupor she would not know how she had stumbled into the messy state that she found herself in. And this happened repeatedly. 10 relapses and many spins through the revolving doors of AA to be exact.

What stood out for me in hearing about this and what I shared when I got my hand up was how insidious and sneaky addictive thoughts can be and what I am realizing is that there is great importance in the power of pausing as a recovery tool. "Wait 5 minutes for the miracle" is on a little card on the dash of my car. In my healing program, this pausing is given the name: "O-Ghen". It refers to anchoring oneself and to not move so quickly and be pulled to what is happening outside, so as to confuse what is really important to stay with on the inside.

An addictive thought, therefore, gets acted out so quickly as a result of not pausing. The scenario for me was often this: " I don't want to feel what hurts inside." This would be a fleeting thought. The very next thought would be: "I want a drink but I know I shouldn't." The clincher thought was usually: "Fuck it. I'm drinking!" And, before I knew it, the beer or vodka or whatever was cruising down my throat. And then I entered the zone of no-feeling. And whatever was hurting inside was anesthetized. At least until the end of the drinking binge.

Pausing honors the truth of my insides. It allows me to listen and to trust myself and to hear the messages of my interior. My sponsor refers to this as our "God-voice". Pausing as a recovery tool is the moment when I recognize that an addictive thought ( which could be connected to drinking or simply associated with a character defect) wants its say and that I need to give it my full attention. Ignoring or dismissing or stuffing, as many members shared about tonight, will inevitably lead to the acting out of some impulsive behavior, even if that's not a drink yet something that is often not healthy. Pausing allows me to stay with myself and not be seduced by the allure of my surroundings (ie. junk food; gossip; spending money; internet surfing; a host of other temptations and distractions).

A young woman asked me after the meeting "How long did it take you to learn to pause? I really struggle with that. " My response was: "I have to practice it over and over each day, sometimes many times a day. Some days I pause better than others!"

We learned a really simple lesson as children when crossing a busy street. I think these few commands are worth re-visiting in recovery.

Stop.

Look.

Listen.