Reality Check

Pencil Vs Camera - 11
Originally uploaded by Ben Heine
One of the blessings and perhaps the curses of non-dual healing work and my recovery program is that the more you are willing to do the practices, the more in reality you are. This could not be more true for me currently.

Part of this being in reality has a great deal to do with the relationship with a woman I love deeply. Several recent conversations with friends have brought me to a place where I have more questions than answers, as much doubt as I do faith and yet, this feels like a product of being more willing than ever to be in the reality of what is the truth in this relationship as it stands today.

I decided this morning that I would do an exploration of the evolution of reality in this relationship over the past 3 plus years of its existence. Each of these statements is a description of what the "reality" was at that particular time. I will begin from the time of inception:

A "rush" at first glance.

Acquaintences with semi-conscious crushes and fantasies.

Avoiders of one another and the truth of what was between us.

Fast friends willing to expose their secrets and fantasies.

Friends with great curiosity.

Best friends with a deep love.

Best friends and new lovers.

Best friends, lovers, spiritual partners.

Intimate partners of every kind.

Intimate partners only under certain conditions.

Lesbian and married woman who love each other deeply.

Lesbian and married woman negotiating the meaning of their relationship with lots of distance in between.

Lesbian and married woman having conditional intimacy only on spiritual retreats.

Lesbian and married woman having an affair.

Lesbian with a hope for a future partnership and married woman experiencing painful shame about being out in the world as a lesbian.

Lesbian hanging out in unknown while married woman struggles with her dependence on the financial security of her marriage and the cohesion of her family unit.

Lesbian who lives in one state as a single person with a dog.

Married Woman who lives in another state as a mother and wife.

?????????