The Noticer of Myself ...

Stargate
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Oh let me be
an open hearted man !
Oh let me be
an open hearted woman !
Oh let me be
the one who understands
Oh let me be
the one who's filled with wisdom.
~ Jason Shulman


The discussion I had wih my healer today was centered around being the noticer of myself in relationship to others. It is a shift in me that has been gradually becoming more vivid and more vivid, particularly as I have been doing the practice of being with both the personal and impersonal.

I was engaged in some big and broad discussions with the woman that I love over the weekend. Aspects of these discussions were related to her own individual healing work and in decisions that involve her current partnership and the impact of that on our relationship. I was keenly aware of the location of myself in these discussions in a way that I had never observed before. I was not moving "out" toward her, not following her nor chasing her from an old historic place of hypervigilance; rather, I was steady and with myself and even aware that while she was discussing matters that involved me, ultimately the issues were not about me at all. It was sitting with what was personal while recognizing what was impersonal. This is huge and new for me in terms of our relationship dynamic.

This way of sitting carried through our time over the weekend. We attended a wedding of two of our classmates (2 women) whose circumstances were not so unlike ours, yet very different. This event, in the past, would have had the potential to activate some significant feelings that would not have felt bearable or tolerable. Being the noticer of myself enabled me to experience deep open-heartedness. I could take in the fullness of the celebration of love that was in that space while also the tenderness of the reality of what was true in the relationship I have with the woman sitting next to me. All of these aspects had a place to live and there was room for them all to exist. Tears flowed freely from my eyes in feeling all of this -- joy, grief, the softening of my heart toward myself, toward this woman that I love.   This softening even extended toward those friends who wanted to "project" their own wishes,  intentions ( so as to not feel their own discomfort and fears about our future)  for us in comments such as:  "Do you see yourselves having a wedding?"   I could notice their projection separate from my own desire to be in integrity inside of me,  without having to save my friends by giving an affirming (untruthful) answer but instead responding from a place of reality.

I described during my healing session that this way of noticing feels like watching and feeling each flap of an accordian unfold out. It is capturing each moment for what it is, observing myself take in that moment, and knowing that there is not a mission, "nothing to do", but look and experience. It is presence in a way that I've not known possible before. There is incredible beauty in seeing myself in relationship to the world in this way.
Just this morning, I read a passage from my teacher Jason's book. I had not picked this up in several days. The opening lines go like this: "When we are honest with ourselves, God shows up. It is guaranteed. Will that Presence make you jump for joy? Maybe. But maybe that Presence is going to make you cry. Maybe you will weep all night, until your face becomes a thing of beauty, filled with tender light."

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, for a couple of minutes. It was not hard to do. I saw the face that Jason speaks of, our "original face" -- the one that God sees. It is this face, this being that I was taking in over the weekend as the noticer of myself.

And it does make me want to jump for joy that God is in this place that I see too. And cry, all night long ...