Monday, May 24, 2010

The "Wanting Self" ...


053 - Feb 22 - Yearning & Thoughtful
Originally uploaded by ladybugrock

"We are not free when we are doing just what we like.
We are only free when we are doing what the deepest self likes.
It takes some diving."
~ D.H. Lawrence

An odd place to have delved into some deep spiritual work today transpired while I was on jury duty. A lot of endless sitting and waiting this afternoon as 39 jurors were being grilled through the selection process created the perfect opportunity for me to get some reading and journaling accomplished.

I brought with me Tara Brach's "Radical Acceptance". I immersed myself in the chapter about Desire; here, she introduces the concept of the "wanting self". Interestingly enough, she uses examples of people with issues of addiction to illustrate this. When desire is desperate and unquenchable, the "wanting self" craves, often with urgency. What Tara notes, however, is that the shame that accompanies one's giving into cravings, as with a compulsive overeater, can be attributed to the rejection of desire. The key to love and aliveness, on the other hand, is how we are in relationship to desire. There must be tenderness held for our "wanting self".

"Longing, felt fully, carries us to belonging." Tara's words echo the sentiments of what is taught in non-dual healing. Everything has a place and a right to exist, fully, in order to have wholeness.

So, as I sat in the courtroom this afternoon, I examined the aspects of my "wanting self". I wrote the following in my journal:
The unknown is an area of my life where I feel compelled by my wanting self's mind. I can experience anxiety, urgency, irritation when I am faced with situations where there are not many "knowns". I used to feel very fearful, threatened by these kinds of circumstances. I urgently wanted the unknowns to become knowns. I recognize that my little one was the driving force behind this kind of behavior and, as she became exposed in my intimate relationships, I felt great shame and embarassment for her actions. Today, the unknowns do not carry the kind of sanctions or weight that I assigned to them in the past. I am aware of the ripples inside me that occur when I am encountering an unknown and I have learned to practice more tenderness toward my little one's reactions inside and can say things like: "This scared feeling right now is not your fault. This can be here. We can make some room for this mysterious visitor." I am aware of another side to this as well: when I am not fully present to the reactions I am experiencing toward to the unknown, I act in unconscious ways. It can take the form of projecting anger or irritation onto the "source" of the unknown situation. Example: "Why is s/he doing this?" "Oh, here we go again with _____". I may even project onto God or the Universe: "Why are you letting ______ happen like this ?" When I am present, however, I am brought more into relationship with God when I can turn one of these projections over: "God, can you help me hold _____ or help me accept why ______ is happening." In this way, I can embrace my wanting self, rather than shrink from it or want to make it disappear.

Such unexpected treasures uncovered in the midst of a dreary courtroom. No one was hurt, no prisoners taken. Freedom abounds !

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