Holding the Flow

Lake Mead, Nevada
Originally uploaded by GethinThomas

One of the "features" of non-dual healing is that there is an allowance for opposites to co-exist, everything is included and has a place. This is ultimately about wholeness.

Over the past few days, I have listened and noticed and paused as I have taken in the subtle movements within my interior. The best way I can describe what I am experiencing is this: there is a flowing river, stirring with a deep current of feeling -- not wild rapids, just a steady stream. On the Tree of Life, this would be associated with Hesed. Also equally present and co-arising is a large dam. I feel its sturdy walls, its structure, the container that it is. This would be Hesed's counterpart, Gevurah. There is not uncomfortable pressure from the river's flow, but rather there is a "meeting" of the water and the concrete, neither wanting the either to do anything but just "be".

For perhaps the first time in my adult life, I am allowing emotions to flow freely within me, not trying to halt or divert them AND, at the same time, not having them gush and overflow to the point that I am drowning in them. The internal dam feels like a structure created for the sole purpose of a boundary so that the fluidity of feelings can move about in a contained manner without flooding.

In my river there is apprehension, sadness, doubt, hopefulness, faith, anticipation. Some have a stronger undertow at times than the others while I am actually able to feel all of them both individually and simultaneously. While teaching a stress management class today, I could feel the flow of these emotions at times AND the groundedness of the internal dam that could hold the weight of the currents and the splashing. Feeling both so vividly enabled me to be present to myself and in a facilitation role with a group at the same time. This was also true for me as I chaired an AA meeting this evening. The dam's structure was in tact during the meeting, yet the fluid feelings were felt along its walls, even more so on the drive home.

I feel like I am getting a taste of what it means to be whole. To really be alive. Most of my life was spent having to cut out pieces, sometimes very large portions of myself; some of me had to be exiled for other parts of me to exist. Pleasing parts were given preferential treatment while displeasing, "ugly" portions had to be terminated.

It is an incredible experience to feel the sturdy dam and the river inside of me. They are in relationship. It is a holding of the flow.