Friday, December 4, 2009

Beaten into sobriety


It's wearing me down. (250)
Originally uploaded by megwills

As I walked into the local Fri night meeting, I am touched beyond words that my buddy from my homegroup, the one who's been battling cancer, is the speaker. I have never heard his story. This evening, he looks particularly worn, as this is his chemo week. His skin is discolored and he is clammy and chomping on 3 sticks of gum to deal with the nausea. And he is dedicated to service, so he would never dream of not being here to tell his story. I love this man.

The first set of details that he reveals to us is that he never saw his father or mother drunk. And yet, his father had all of the behaviors of a drunk, minus the drink. My friend was the oldest of 3 kids and received the brunt of his father's physically violent behavior, which took the form of beatings of every imaginable kind. From the time he turned 13, and for the next 30 years, my friend drank himself into oblivion in an attempt to erase the pain of this unfathomable abuse.

He fast-forwards to his last decade of drinking. He is a social worker and he advocates for the rights of those oppressed -- mostly because he wants to see no one hurt, particularly like the way he was. He speaks about his disdane for authority figures of any kind and how he would get extremely beligerant on behalf of the civil rights of others and, in quite drunken states, be beaten by police and arrested.

On the night of his last drink, he has lost all hope that he will ever be rid of the nightmares of what he's suffered at the hands of others; he sits with several bottles of Jack Daniels and a shotgun- the barrel of which he puts in his mouth-so that perhaps this may finally end the torment. And something happens, the moment of sanity and clarity that many AA's report right before they get help, and he takes the gun out of his mouth and he calls another social work colleague who admits him into a rehab. And he's never taken another drink since. This was 3 decades ago.

The remainder of the story is focused on the present time and how he uses the tools of this program to get him through his battle with cancer. And how he lives sometimes 1 minute at a time. He speaks about what it takes to go through the amount of treatment and sickness that he does on a daily basis and yet not take a drink. And the difference today is that he doesn't want to erase the pain or erase his life.

My friend told us that cancer has been his greatest teacher and his greatest nemesis all at the same time. And that he wouldn't wish for a single thing to change. That is the epitome of surrender. Of acceptance. Of living life on life's terms. He said: "Knowing that you could die at any time brings you to a place of really living."

His story and what he faces daily puts any challenge I could possibly face in a different light. I know, as I watch him, that there is nothing that is unmanageable. That there is nothing that can't be met or ridden out or walked through -- with the help of G-d, other AA's, friends, the community at large.

My friend inspires me everytime we meet. He teaches me more than he ever could know. He is helping me to walk in this place of courageousness. I will keep following in his shadow ... there are many steps I've not yet taken.

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