Moment by moment

dawn passion
Originally uploaded by algo
Tonight's speaker at my homegroup meeting is someone who is a walking inspiration, a miracle in and of himself. When I first returned to the rooms nearly a year ago, I met this man when he was first diagnosed with brain cancer. He was not expected to live past May. And one day at a time or, as he shared so poignantly this evening, "moment by moment", is how he lives his life, continuing to defy the odds.

He began his story tonight reading from a piece of paper, as one of the aspects of his cancer and his extensive treatments is difficulties in speech. He had written what he said aloud today to G-d, asking: "Of what use shall I be as I speak to these people tonight? Help me, please." He then proceeded to tell us that in his particular condition, he has no choice but to turn everything over to G-d. It took him an hour to make a sandwich today and he thanked G-d for giving him patience to be able to make it. He spoke of a recent hospitalization in which he experienced paralysis on his right side and kept buzzing the nurses to help him to use the bathroom, as the urinal had fallen and was across the room on the floor. His calls were not answered. His urgency to pee increased. So, he asked for G-d's help -- "Should I piss the bed OR try to make it to the urinal?" He reminded all of us that there is nothing too small or too big that you can't ask G-d for help; you simply have to have the willingness. He waited for his answer and he got on his belly and crawled across the bed, letting himself down to the floor, across the room and peed into the urinal. He told us that G-d's message for him was simply to "have dignity". The tears just flowed down my face as I watched this man speak. Dignity is exactly how he lives. And with incredible humility, as he is often mistaken as someone who is drunk because of his extremely slurred speech and off-balance gait. This man expresses gratitude to G-d for simply being able to move certain body parts on a given day.

His message puts everything, absolutely everything, in perspective. He shared that each night, when he shuts his eyes to go to sleep, he has to turn his will over to G-d to take care of him during the night and that, if it is in His will, he will be given the opportunity to open his eyes in the morning and to be of use to his fellows. Self-pity isn't even an option for this man.

When I think of experiencing bouts of diarrhea for the past 48 hours and being able to know they are beyond my control, still, they are a miniscule drop-in-life's-bucket compared to what this man has the willingness to be with on a daily basis.

He told us that his very first sponsor taught him to not take a drink, moment by moment because a day at a time was far too long. And that's the tool he uses to come face-to-face with his brain cancer and the various ways his body does not cooperate.

And in the midst of all of this, he was let go from a job that he loved. This broke his heart more than getting brain cancer. He tutored high school students in computer technology. This was his passion. He was at this particular institution for all of his sobriety - 16 years. And still, he reminded us, it was not enough for him to take a drink. And he is coming to acceptance that this was no longer meant to be.

More tears come and I look around and I see others wiping their eyes too. My whole body is shaking from the emotion that is stirred in witnessing his utter grace. I want what HE has. I want to face life's curveballs and sideswipes with this kind of serenity. Watching him tonight makes me want to get closer to G-d.