Who am I without _______ ?

Everywhere questions
Originally uploaded by DoBeRaGi
It is like being at home with family at my regular Tue night meeting. I had missed these folks for several months when the meeting changed nights and venue and since the beginning of this month, has settled back to Tuesdays again. I have siblings of every shape and size and individuality in this room and I am accepted and have the freedom to be however I show up.

Tonight was a speaker meeting. The person who shared his story is a regular member of this group. He is a bit eccentric, an artist and yet, someone who is deeply passionate about his recovery. He can be extremely shy and soft-spoken when what he is revealing is serious and, conversely, he can be animated and dramatic when he allows his own awe and wonder of his Higher Power and sobriety to be seen.

In the sharing of his story, something that jumped right out at me was when he declared that sobriety has allowed him to ask the question "Who am I without booze?" And that he is a work in progress and is enjoying watching himself evolve. That resonated with me so much because that is very descriptive of my own process - both in recovery and in my healing. It is exciting to feel my own unfolding and be a mystery to myself at the same time. To experience my femininity and what I am gravitating to and what repels me. To identify what I want in my relationships and what I don't. Even simple, daily decisions about routines and expectations that I've had for myself are in question.

A perfect example of this is the fact that for the past 3 weeks I've not been to the gym. Some of this has had to do with end-of-semester work, being in Florida, then having a sinus infection. All valid reasons and not excuses. I am feeling much better now and I have missed swimming. So I went to tonight's meeting prepared to go for a swim afterwards. This felt really, really right. It's what I wanted rather than what I believed I should be doing. And I am the only one who has created these rules and expectations and they are not founded in anything logical. Yes, exercise is good for us and it makes me feel better. To be driven to go, on the other hand, does not feel authentic. So as I entered the pool tonight, there was not pressure about doing a certain amount of laps or swimming for a certain time period. I listened to myself and my body and when I felt on the edge of pushing myself to the limit, I stopped. Without guilt.

I realize that for most of my life, I have not truly known who I am without being defined by something or someone external to tell me or direct me. It is the ultimate in giving one's power away to allow another or a group or a situation to give us our identity.

Working with the question, "Who am I without _______?" throughout my life, the blank could be filled in with the following:
- Conditioning
- The image my parents wanted me to fit into
- Chaos
- Drama
- Excuses
- Booze
- Being the life of the party
- Victimization
- Self - pity
- A peer group
- People to please
- My significant other
- A reputation to fulfill
- Control
- Status
- Popularity
- Conformity
- What I do for a living
- What is expected of me
- My history

As I gaze at this long list,  I see the entry-way into Steps 6 & 7,  right before my eyes.   I can humbly ask
G-d to help remove each of these so I can experience more freedom,  more of my true nature. 

The not-knowing and the surrender to discovering and uncovering is the beauty of who I am becoming.