What lies beneath ...

Railroad_10
Originally uploaded by Pro-Zak

Tonight's AA speaker is someone I see at a regular favorite meeting. He is gentle and kind and very soft spoken. His story, while fairly drama-free, had a particular significant lesson that he passed on, which many folks commented about. He shared that what he has to be on the lookout for in his sobriety are the conditions which set him up for eventually wanting to seek out a drink. He spoke about things like fears, unspoken needs, resentments as the "fuel" underneath the surface behavior of acting them out through drinking.

While I did not share tonight, I took this aspect of his message in very fully and deeply. As I drove home, I began to give careful thought to what my "conditions" are, those things that can bubble and brew underground, like a coal shaft in my interior that can cave in the walls and foundation because of turbulence inside of me.

One such condition that I can identify that almost always led me to drink was not being in my truth. This took on many forms. When I was not direct about how I really felt or what I wanted and feared being displeasing. When I shape-shifted to be what you wanted me to be, even though somewhere in the recesses of my core, I knew that it wasn't the real me. Hiding the true nature of my sexual orientation was a signifcant aspect of not being in my truth that very often was at the heart of my drinking. Fear and shame and stigma overtook me for a long time. It is a dark, lonely place to not feel like you can have the freedom to live in your truth. I always felt like a fraud. That my "real" self was always camoflauged, kept hidden, a dirty secret. I lived a very tormented existence during this time. My need to be accepted and pleasing to others outweighed being in integrity with myself, embracing my true being. Just reflecting on this brings me into such a state of gratitude about who I am today. That I really and truly am comfortable in my own skin and that I live the truth of my life in a much fuller way, without apology. That is real freedom.

When I think further about conditions that are a set-up which are not associated with wanting to drink but could impact my living in a sober way, there are many. Arrogance. Superiority. Isolation. Hiding. Resentment. Control. Manipulation. Avoidance. Denial. Greed. Dishonesty. Imposing my will. The list could probably go on ... These are the aspects underneath the surface of me that are both insidious and dangerous. They can linger and fester when I am not attuned to myself. If I ignore the rumblings of my interior, these things build up speed, spread like a cancer, and before you know it, they are permeating everything I do, every interaction I have.

From a Kabbalistic perspective, this is the territory of poisoned ground, Hesed of Yesod. Those conditions I just named above, when left unattended, are the very things that sustain "nega" states of being. This is what maintained my self-pity and victimhood and fear of abandonment behaviors for such a long time. Being able to identify and name these conditions, as soon as they are at the early stages of formation, is what keeps the foundation of my interior solid versus collapsable.

I do not take my awakeness for granted. I can very readily get real sleepy. To acknowledge this is to understand the importance of working a recovery program and to be actively engaged in my Kabbalistic healing practices.

I am but an arms' length away from that first drink. I am also a closed eyelid away from sinking in my poisoned ground.

Remembering this is deeply sobering. Getting on my knees each morning and each evening is what will keep me from forgetting.