Coming home ...

The Return Home
Originally uploaded by aknacer
Home no longer has only an emphasis on a "place" or a "destination" for me, as much as it is a return to myself; it is a sense of familiarity; it is the act of connection and knowing where I have a sense of belonging.

I spent the past 5 days in Florida visiting old friends who moved there recently. While I can say that to be with them is certainly a place where I can be myself and where it is familiar and where I connect and have a sense of belonging, it was not "home" in its larger, broader sense. It was a place to temporarily land and hang my hat, yet not much more than that. Florida, in and of itself, particularly the parts I spent time in over this period, is not a location that I could ever imagine comfortably calling "home". There is a dullness, a mundane-ness, a "standing still in time" that I felt there, energetically, that does not call me, does not stir me, does not tap into the "aliveness" that I experience when I am in the area in which I reside.

Sitting on the window seat of the plane that delivered me back to my physical home, I looked out upon the billowy puffs of clouds and thought to myself: "This too is home." Which then got me thinking of the impersonal Home, with a capital "H" , from where we all originated and will return -- if this is your belief. Some call it Heaven. Some refer to it as "The Kingdom". It hit me, staring out that airplane window, that I am but a tiny speck of existence who has found shelter on the physical plane which is also a tiny speck and that the Home we all belong to is vast and limitless and transcends our residency on earth. And even the vessel carrying all of us passengers in this endless sky is but a miniscule particle. If I drift too far into this line of thinking, it is absolutely overwhelming. So I shall stop in this particular train of thought.

Other faces of home ... stepping off of the plane and walking through the airport that I've strolled and even ran through many a trip over the past 2 decades, I had a reverse experience. In the past, particularly when I traveled with my ex, the long trek through the airport to the baggage claim was frought with feelings of indescribable dread in the return to home. Trips with my ex were acts of desperation in connecting outside of the relationship to external places in an effort to escape the reality of "home".

Today, I was relieved and delighted to be returning to the home I have created in the form of both my physical space, and even more so, my spiritual space which includes my AA community, my Kabbalistic community. My trip brought me into deep appreciation of what is here, in the way of home. It allowed me to feel the contrast and the gap and to understand and discern what I want and what I don't want for myself. My traveling to another destination was no longer a means of escape. To recognize this made all aspects of the return that much sweeter. I had a rich conversation with a man visiting my city from Utah and got to share with him great eating spots he might check out in Chinatown, as he also teaches in China. The train ride was one filled with joy as I took in the night view of the city skyline and reminded myself about how "alive" it feels -- all the lights, the skyscrapers, the river.

Entering my apartment, I paused to simply take in the stillness, the "feel" of my home. I smiled at the sight of my Christmas tree and immediately plugged in the lights. I took in my pictures, the vivid green-ness of my plants. I was "greeted" by a surprise package at my door : an ornament sent to me by the love of my life. A symbol of one of the myriad of ways we have connection. Receiving this, was like having her welcome me back home. I then picked up my dog at a friend's house and was met with a barage of licking and jumping and excitement. After getting my dog settled back in, I returned to the Big Book meeting that I went to last week and was warmly welcomed back by the 7 or 8 members who I met through my new friend who told me about this meeting. They had remembered that I went to Florida and several asked about my trip! Taking all of these things in, deeply, in their totality filled my heart up to capacity.
Arriving back from the meeting, getting into comfy pajamas and taking a seat in front of my laptop to write ... a ritual and a necessary form of expression that I have missed incredibly while I was away.  All of these things represent home.

As I feel my eyes getting droopy and the day's travels take their toll, I prepare to end this entry and get ready to retire for the night to the land of sleep and dreams. To meet G-d on my knees in prayer and give thanks for the safe travels. And to soften in deep gratitude for the opportunity to really experience the joy of coming home.