Humility re-visited

Originally uploaded by LJ.

Nothing says "humbling" much better than surrendering to the loss of control of one's bowels and taking in sights and smells that are beyond human comprehension AND then reporting these things face-to-face with your doctor without wanting to vanish in thin air because of what you just revealed.

I have a gastrointestinal virus. No quick fix, just ride it out. BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast). A divine perhaps twisted intervention from G-d that allows me deeper pause. As my sponsor quoted today: "Be still and know that I am."

Interestingly enough, I re-read a passage first thing this morning in a small booklet given to me by an old-timer who I adore in my AA homegroup. The booklet is entitled "Last major talk of Dr. Bob, 1948, Detroit" On the inside cover, there is this piece on "Humility" which was inscribed on a desk plaque of Dr. Bob's. It goes like this:

"Perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore. To wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself, where I can go and shut the door, and pray to my G-d in secret, and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness when all around and about is seeming trouble."

These words move further into my being and touch me in more profound ways everytime I read this. It has softened me tremendously in my acceptance of having this virus and being home-bound for today, without any feeling that this is "against me" but instead an opportunity for rest, to experience that peace and deep sea of calmness that is mentioned above.

Before going to the doctor's office this morning, I walked my dog on my usual route. As I stopped to let her sniff around, I looked up at the cars stopped at the red light before me and just as I did, my eyes met an ex-girlfriend from the neighborhood. There has always been unpleasant, unspoken gestures on her end toward me and I have wanted to avoid her. I had shared previously with my sponsor that I felt I owed her an amends for not being fully upfront with her toward the end of our relationship and yet, I did not feel she was "safe". My sponsor told me that people show up just when the time is right, if it's meant to be. So, as we look at one another, I smile kindly and mouth "Hi" and she returns with the same. And then the light turns green and she is on her way. And in the space of those silent 10 seconds or so, I experienced deep humility -- a peace and calm that there was simply "no trouble" . I am aware in that exchange that an amends was made. The "thing" that hung thick in the air between us was lifted in that moment. And there is no need for anything more. And as I continued down the street, I had such gratitude for the grace that quietly slipped in that space to make what happened possible.

Humility to me is having a content heart regardless of what is happening on the exterior. It is the place I can live that reminds me no matter what, I will be fine just the way things are. It is the awareness that I am always walking arm-in-arm with G-d.