Gifts of the program ...

Gifts from the sea...
Originally uploaded by juntos (ON/OFF)
At this morning's AA meeting, the chairperson chose the theme of "What are the 'gifts' you have received as a result of being in AA?", given that this was on the heels of Christmas and the emphasis on this particular holiday of giving and getting gifts.

The shares of members ran the gamut from the most fundamental gift of the program -- not drinking or being obsessed to take a drink -- to coping differently, such as responding vs. reacting to challenging situations to taking care of ourselves, setting better boundaries with family or friends who actively abuse substances, being more honest, actually experiencing true joy. For some members, the only gift that they were able to gleen from the program thus far was that they didn't want to run away from the mess they created of their lives because of alcohol and that, as one man shared in relationship to not paying many months of rent : "I am now willing to face my consequences".

I didn't share today. I did have my hand up a few times, seated way in the back of this very crowded meeting, and yet, it was more important today to just sit back and fully take in the shares of others.
I was struck by some members' passion and real joy about their life as a result of this program and equally moved by those members who were still swimming amongst their wreckage and were willing to be present and in reality and not run away from it or want to drink over it.

As I settle inside my space on this rainy afternoon, this topic is still with me and here is a list of some of the numerous gifts that I have received as a result of working the AA program AND my Kabbalistic program, sort of like a year in review:
- I have an active, alive relationship with G-d
- I am more present, more here, more willing to be in ALL aspects of the reality of my life
- I am less resistant and impose my own will less onto situations of my life that I do not have control over (I am still working on this)
- I am more direct, clear, factual and honest in my communication with others and of my wants, needs, dislikes
- I am chipping away at my old identity of being a victim /"Woe is me" and becoming more accepting of "Life on life's terms"
- I am turning over and shredding some of my significant areas of fear, such as abandonment, terror of the unknown, lack/not enough, "What about me?"
- I am more willing to inquire within FIRST before pointing the finger at others (again, still working on this)
- I am more confident, capable and can comfortably admit and own my mistakes, faults, actions I am responsible for
- I am allowing more things to live and have places within me and around me, such as painful emotions, fearful or even messy thoughts, shameful past behaviors, aspects of my history
- I am willing to show up for situations/interactions which in the past I would have avoided, this includes making amends to others
- I am "catching myself" much more quickly in moments of reacting, imposing my will or otherwise engaging in "little one" or negative behaviors and have a willingness to turn them over to G-d
- I am less selfish, less self-seeking, less prone to self-pity (still a work in progress)
- I am more financially responsible, less focused on lack and economic security, and more open to allowing, manifesting and trusting that I will be taken care of (also a work in progress)
- I am more connected,  open and intimate in my relationships and am not afraid for others to really see me.
- I am less resistant to identifying I need help or I don't know or that I can ask for help, support.  In relation to this,  I am taking better care of myself in all ways,  including being less combative about seeing a doctor or taking a Western medicine to get relief (i.e. just finished antibiotics for a sinus infection).  
- Lastly, I am more spacious, experience more freedom, am lighter and less controlling, obsessive, guarded (still working on this)

The gift, in and of itself, was being able to actually create this list, effortlessly.

And more will be revealed ...