A situation today with one of my troublesome students brought me to a place of distinguishing the often subtle (and sometimes not so) differences between surrender and letting go.
I have written a lot about surrender, while very little about truly letting go. My sitting with both of these today has given me a larger window view as to why.
Surrender to me, one of the words used to describe Hod in Kabbalistic terms, is an act of trust in one's faith -- G-d, the Universe, my Higher Power. It is the feeling I get when I have no idea about what is to happen, entering the unknown, and letting myself literally and figuratively free-fall, with a trust that G-d is there to catch me if needed or simply to guide me so I don't have such a bumpy landing. Surrender feels lighter, more passive to some extent (not passive as in "don't care" but rather passive as in "allowing" ).
Letting go, on the other hand, is an animal of a different color. In the literal sense, if I am holding onto something and I want to release it, I have to "let go" of it. This requires an action. A decision. A choice. It is active rather than passive. But the key piece for me lies in the act of the "holding on" that is an obstacle to the letting go. Resistance, fear, denial, resentments ... these are all things that are products of holding on. And, they require surrender in order to make the conscious decision to let them go.
What I learned about myself today in terms of this situation with my student is that I have been holding on and now it is time to let go.
This student has failed the research course I taught this semester 2 times previously and was now taking it for the 3rd time with me. She has not turned in 2 assignments and the clincher for her to pass is the final paper, which was due last Tuesday. I shared with students who've been struggling, which includes her, that I would be back on campus the following Tuesday (today) to collect the last of the assignments before submitting grades by this weekend. I approached my mailbox, hopeful, that there would be a paper awaiting me from this student. My last conversations with her have been ones in which I have encouraged her, cheered her on and yet, she was quick to let me know that she doubted she could do this. I comb through all the papers in my box and, alas, there is not one from her. I catch my supervisor, the Dept chair, in her office and share with her what has transpired. I am torn. And I feel really disappointed. I share this with her and she has the stance of "knew this was gonna happen again" and I feel the sinking further inside. I leave her office feeling heavy.
And here is when the ponderings of what it means to let go surface. After talking with my sponsor on my ride home from campus, I begin to understand that these feelings I am having are because I have been holding onto the idea that I could "make things different this time" in terms of her success in my class. My holding on is associated with fear of failure as a teacher. My holding on is also connected with having a genuine belief in this young woman and having talked with her about "changing her story". If I get really honest and unpack this, I made her my mission to improve and fix. And, ultimately, it would be about feeling like I accomplished something as a teacher. Heavy sigh.
So... I drive and drive some more. I stop the car and I sit still. And then I pray. I ask G-d first to help me surrender to this situation before me. And then I ask for the willingness to stop holding on to making a trophy out of this student but instead, to be able to let go of my fears that have fueled these actions.
After doing this and returning home, I felt lighter and clearer. I knew what the next right action was to be. I sat at the computer and wrote her an email to simply state that I was on campus to collect papers and that hers was not among them. I have to submit grades by Friday and that she currently does not have enough points to pass the course with this assignment outstanding. Any action from this point forward is up to her. I am understanding that I am not a failure as a teacher if a student doesn't pass. As my sponsor said to me: "Perhaps she just doesn't want to" . I attempted to change HER story. That is imposing my will and not trusting in the plan that is here for her. Surrendering to that, allows me to truly let go.
And letting myself really feel that is a sweet release.
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