Joy of Living...

Joy of Dive, Dive of Joy
Originally uploaded by Osvaldo_Zoom

I can't remember the last time that I was truly filled up, excited about the prospect of Christmas and all that it means. I just finished wrapping all of my family members' gifts, loading them like a make-shift Santa into a huge IKEA bag and feeling pure joy in the giving. To be free of the need to have reciprocity is a product of being in the programs of AA and Kabbalistic healing. And, even more so, in the company of G-d.

At my favorite women's AA meeting tonight, which was held in one of our members' homes, there was such a cozy, spirit-filled, intimate feeling that permeated the room. There were gifts and cards abound, not one person was left out. There were only about a dozen of us and yet, all who made it there were all who needed to be there.

The chairperson chose to read segments from the 12 & 12, specifically the 12th step ! And what she chose resonated for each of us in such different ways and yet could be boiled down to one common denominator ... working step 12 for each of us is indeed, what the book says, to experience the joy of living.

Some members could identify the changes they see in themselves in terms of the omission of old behaviors, old ways of being in the world. Other members spoke of the heart-warming feeling of giving with no expectation of receiving on this holiday. And not just about the giving of material items, more so about the giving of self, being selfless, being there for another alcoholic or another person in need, which is also outlined in the 12th step. It's about really living the steps of the program and practicing these principles in all of our daily affairs. This may look like old habits simply dropping by the wayside or the urge for a drink disappearring or, as one member noted, having the awareness of negative behavior such as rage and being able to take responsibility for her actions, to do the 10th step immediately.

The reading tonight and the ensuing discussion reminded me of a line in the prayer of St. Francis which vibrates deep in my solar plexus each time I read it as part of my morning prayers: "For it is by self-forgetting that one finds." This line is the very nature of 12th step work. Perhaps that is why it's an 11th step prayer, as each step prepares us for carrying out the one that follows. And each share tonight was a reflection of this powerful sentence.

I shared with the group about my experience of "cutting out" Christmas because of the painful associations I had with the rituals of the holiday in my previous partnership. And what it has meant to me to be able to truly re-claim this holiday, just for me. Creating a whole new set of memories, free of resentment and free of pain. In my own self-forgetting, I have found the spirit of the holiday and the incredible heart-opening feeling of experiencing the generosity of acting from this place.

I will be like a little kid tomorrow, anticipating the tearing open of gifts and seeing the delights and smiles and hearts opening up among my family members. I am no longer having to hide behind the armour of "I don't celebrate" and separating myself and passively watching everyone in the gift exchanges; I will be showing up, attentive, present and most importantly, in connection, in relationship.

The gift of giving, giving freely, giving of myself ... this is the joy of living.