Friday, February 12, 2010

Awakening to a Lived Life


Rainbow's End
Originally uploaded by michaeljosh

The "seed passage" from my Kabbalistic teacher's book that I opened to today was about Awakening. Part of it goes like this: "It is not about some mountaintop. It is about the mountain range and the valley, the earth tectonics and seasons and snows, and how things move and how things change." He goes on to note that awakening's true character is a mustard seed -- which is the smallest seed we can see with our eyes. That from the mustard seed level of seeing, it is to see clearly the essence of every thing.

I was so incredibly moved by this passage for a variety of reasons.
First, it validated what I've shared when I've told my story at AA meetings about the fact that I did not have some grand spiritual awakening when I put down my last drink. And that the true "awakening" for me was not until 18.5 years later when I paused and heard the words "I'm an alcoholic" tremble from my lips at the first AA meeting I attended in this area, a year ago in January. In that "mustard seed" moment, I saw the totality of my sobriety and non-sobriety, from only putting down the bottle to resisting AA and its fellowship to what transpired in my dry drunk period and then my denial to being called back to a spiritual path and entering Kabbalistic healing and having my heart and eyes open enough to let myself clearly see the crack in the door and the invitation to peek in that would allow me to re-enter AA.

The second reason I was moved by this passage is the fact that one of the oldest AA meetings, legendary, that long-timers speak about as their mainstay and the foundation of their early sobriety is a meeting that still exists (that I've not been to yet) called: "Mustard Seed". And until I read Jason's words today, I never for the life of me understood why this AA group had such a name. It never made any sense. Until this morning and it was a HUGE "a-ha" ! It made me curious as to what the discussion may have been among this meeting's founders -- did they have the recognition that perhaps people walking in, at the bottom of their lives, could catch just a mustard seed of hope, of possibility, of AA's message. And that if they kept coming back, the seed that is each person and their recovery would get nurtured and grow and blossom and flourish. I will make it a point to visit this meeting and find out about the origins of its name.

Lastly, Jason's passage came on the heels of a Tara Brach podcast I listened to before bed last night, which was titled: "Embracing the Unlived Life". The theme of the talk was centered around awakening -- to our bodies, to our connection, our rootedness in this moment and in this life. And that whenever we separate or disconnect, it's about a profound sense that something's "wrong" - a hauntedness that lurks within. In reaction to this, we dissociate and numb and armour ourselves. What both Jason and Tara are offering in terms of true awakening is that we bring presence to all pieces of what is happening. And, as Jason so tenderly writes, to also continually forgive ourselves when we simply cannot see clearly. To just be there with that -- the "not-seeing" -- because clear seeing can't exist without not-seeing clearly.

One of Tara's poignant comments in her talk was this: "The unlived life inside of us wants our loving attention." That when we're not present in this moment with our aliveness, our awakening, we will feel a "missing" and we'll try to connect "out there" rather than "in here" to find completeness. Or in Jason's words -- to find wholeness.

Understanding this at a more root-level within me has enabled me to drop into a place where I can hold my former "who is's" and recognize that my past actions of having my eyes closed to my life was necessary in order for me to be able to see the contrast of having them wide open today. And to not be afraid to look and to know I won't die or crumble at what I see. And to be tender toward myself if, sometimes, I just am not ready to see in the moment. To extend self-forgiveness.

"Awwwwww, sweet self, this is too hard to look at right now. That's ok. We'll try again another time."

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