The in-between state ...

Beaufort 03: Le Vent souffle où il veut - Beach Art in De Haan Belgium
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For several months now, I have savored Pema Chodron's book: "The Places that Scare You". I finished the last chapter today, entitled: "The In-Between State". It brought a lot of what has been working through and within me recently to a more solid place of understanding.

She concludes this book in this last chapter to talk about the acceptance of no control. It is a "don't-know-what-to-do" feeling, a sense of being caught in-between. It is the place where we're fed up with seeking comfort by looking to the outside (unhealed Yesod in Kabbalistic terms) and we're also fed up with beliefs, ideas, "isms" (connecting more to our true interior, Tiferet in Kabbalistic terms). BUT, in this in-between state, we wish it were true that outer comfort could bring lasting happiness. This is the bind.

Pema speaks about how this is the state where "the warrior spends a lot of time growing up." Oh, do I relate to that. For me, I think this is the state I've been in for the past 6 months or so ... where the smaller selves keep showing up, wanting to have their voices be heard, wanting to be attended to AND where the adult self is seeking to have her roots firmly planted and move about in the world from this self and the "in-between" is that place literally in the midst of both of these existences -- the old stories of the small selves and my history and the longing and desire to be freed from the chains of my history in a more whole and full adult being.

She goes on to comment about the "pain of chasing after pleasure and the futility of running from pain". This seek-and-hide has been the game I've played in the bulk of my existence, much of which I've written about in this blog. Both AA and my Kabbalistic program have given me wonderful tools, even if it is as simplistic as "naming what is here" to help me not engage in this game for too long before bringing it into my awareness, and, ideally, to not play at all.

Pema speaks about the fact that we often stay for lengthy periods in this in-between state because, while on one hand, it's pretty easy to acknowledge that we don't want to seek and hide; on the other hand, it is hard to sustain that place of awakening, interconnectedness, trusting the openness of our hearts and minds. What I take from this is that we reside in the in-between much like we hang out in the territory of the familiar, the illusion of security or even in the distorted comfort of resistance and stalling.

Pema says: "Anxiety, heartbreak, and tenderness mark the in-between state." These are awfully familiar, ever present states of being for me, that is for sure. And yet, she goes on to say that if we can just be with these aspects of the in-between, without buying into struggling or complaining, this is healing and this is the work of the "warrior".

It is courageous and brave to be in middle of nowhere. The reason we often can't remain here is because we want some kind of relief. She goes on to speak about the very thing that my Kabbalistic teacher Jason talks about in terms of the power and healing of holding paradox -- i.e. something can be painful and pleasurable; wrong and right; strong and tender. One of my favorite quotes of Jason from the first year of our program is that "we open our hearts when we make room for paradox". I didn't understand what he meant then and now it is becoming translucent. One of the practices we recently learned as part of our Impersonal Movement is about nesting opposites. I would venture to say that the Impersonal Movement practice is in total alignment with what Pema is discussing in this final chapter: how to really sit and stay with ourselves in the place of in-between (personal and Impersonal), without seeking relief and, simultaneously, experiencing relief and even joy, gratitude, aliveness in the staying.

My alcoholism was the only means I knew, in the "Who was" at the time, to survive and gain relief from tremendous inner pain and turmoil. I would have not been able to bear the in-between state. At the smallest signs of anxiety, I immediately self-medicated with alcohol. At the earliest signals of potential danger or distress, I did the same. As any of us who have an addiction reach that place of "enough", we are entering into the in-between. Relapse is a return to seeking relief and not being able to remain in the in-between. Working the steps and healing our interior is what will bring us to places of awakening , reaching the other side of the in-between for longer periods of time.

Some of the closing lines of this chapter are absolutely delightful : "First we have to appreciate the richness of the groundless state and hang in there... This juicy spot is a fruitful place to be."

It used to be all about locating my feet and my roots. Looks like being an astronaut or a chimp dangling in a tree will also be very enlightening.