Friday, February 19, 2010

Loneliness/Solitude: Depends on what view you take


Solitude : Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.
Originally uploaded by AgniMax

I stumbled upon this photo as I prepared to write tonight. I was drawn to it because of the subject that arose in a Step meeting I attended this evening. It was Step 5. The person who took this photo attached it with a wonderful quote, keeping in alignment with my Kabbalistic work in terms of "nesting opposites" :

"Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self."

I went to a meeting that I've only been to once before and I recalled how much I loved the intimacy of it. And the fact that it's a Step meeting. Shortly after arriving, I was asked to chair. What this involves is being the reader of the entire Step and then commenting on it before opening up the floor for sharing. I hadn't read this Step in quite some time. I felt so present and engaged as the reader and a particular aspect of this Step jumped out more so than before and was a "theme" of sorts for our meeting.

These lines were the ones that were very loud: "What are we likely to receive from Step Five ? For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation we've always had. Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness."

This Step involves admitting to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs, after compiling our Step 4 list. It is about no longer keeping secrets, telling lies. It is also about not hiding behind a bottle or any other type of barrier. To share what we've buried so deeply (and shamefully at times) with another person who can understand and who is safe moves us from a place of humiliation to that of humility. There is no more fooling ourselves or others. It's about getting real and getting honest.

The sharing tonight in the meeting was very much centered around loneliness/isolation/keeping secrets. A number of us did not get sponsors at the start of our sobriety for this very reason. I am very aware now that I didn't seek a sponsor because I was not ready or willing to unlock that closet full of shame. And, I was in a place of self-delusion, which is mentioned in this Step; I had the idea that I could go at this alone and that I didn't need anyone to help me, including G-d. Many folks also spoke about being ok with doing Step 4, because it is done as a solitary self-appraisal, but making the next move toward Step 5 was where they were halted or where they wanted to skim over the sordid details swiftly and painlessly.

My Step 5 was done after 18.5 years of abstinence, newly entering real recovery. I was very anxious and yet eager to do this Step. The timing was also aligned with where I was in my Kabbalistic healing work as well. I had enough of myself to do this Step without fear that I would shrink from shame or be too embarrassed or be judged. I purposely chose another lesbian with good sobriety and who I considered trustworthy. I had not yet sought out my current sponsor. At that time, my sponsor was an older male and he knew in his infinite wisdom that I needed to find a female to do this Step with and he prodded me to "get this done, kid !" And he was right, because I was ripe and it was time and waiting any longer would find me withdrawing and perhaps isolating and skipping this Step entirely.

Now, back to that nested pair: loneliness/solitude. It is clear, especially after discussing this Step tonight, that to not do this work of being in relationship with another human being and coming "clean" and acknowledging my wrongs, my defects, my secrets, my transgressions would result in loneliness. I know for a fact that this is true because I lived it for 13 plus years or more. Not doing Step work or being an active member of AA found me in the facade of partnership and a home life and a happy "marriage" and the truth was -- I was deeply lonely. And, historically, managing on my own has been deeply ingrained from a very early age. My loneliness, however, had been primarily about overwhelming fear to be in reality and in truth with myself, with other beings, in life period. During these lonely years, my distorted thinking found me believing that others constantly abandoned me and that I was simply flawed, unlovable. The truth is that I did not show up in relationships and I pushed others away from this fearful, self-pitying place. My loneliness was my own creation and doing.

Solitude, on the other hand, is something I am coming to treasure and savor. Working the Steps and being in the fellowship of AA and my Kabbalistic community and showing up more fully in my relationships and my life has been a gateway to appreciating me, discovering who I am and what I like and even being more accepting of my defects and quirks and things that make me squirm about myself. In solitude, I am not lonely nor do I isolate. It is in this place that I actually can feel richer and stronger and wider connection to everyone and everything that is in my life. This is a beautiful discovery.

I realized that within the quote for this photo is another nested pair of opposites that I had been working with: empty (poverty) and full (richness). To experience loneliness is to feel emptiness; to experience solitude is to feel fullness. A nesting within a nesting.

And I would venture to bet, there are infinitely more ...

No comments:

Post a Comment