Beginnings. . .
Originally uploaded by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton
Over and over, we begin again.
~ Banana Yashimoto
This was part of my daily reflection from Hazelden that I get emailed to me:
"Yesterday, we did the best that we could. Yesterday is over. We have slept. We think we know some of what today will hold. We may boil water in the same kitchen, take the same route to work, see some of the faces we usually see. At the meeting we attend, we'll hear the familiar readings; take comfort from hearing the words we've heard before. Perhaps our shoulders, hunched with any tensions we're experiencing, will drop at the sound of those accustomed words, and we'll relax.
Along with the predictable, there may be a thousand unexpected experiences; a new color in the sky, a smile answering our own, a phrase of music, a sense of willingness rising within us to do something differently.
Let's take some deep, slow breaths and begin the day with faith that whatever it brings, we'll be present for it.
This day is a gift that recovery has given to me."
The only thing promised to me is that when I wake up, I have the opportunity to open the gift, as the affirmation says above, of having another day -- sober, to start over again. I love something my sponsor says when we're about to end one of our calls: "After we hang up from this conversation, it will already be in the past." It is really a reminder about letting go of one moment and moving into the next moment. And that this too is a gift that is offered to each of us, at any point in the day. I am learning this more and more in my recovery and my healing.
I shared with my love last night in a phone call that this work on "worthiness" is kicking my butt. Just the disclosing of that and opening up the door to my feelings around it in that moment, brought up such rawness and tenderness. And after we hung up, I let myself feel those feelings and made a decision to "enter a new moment". My conversation, my worthiness emotions could now be in the past. I had been wanting to see the student feedback from my Fall research classes and had received an email that the summaries were ready to be viewed online. I sat at the computer and took in their comments. I was blown away. Many students wrote this line: "She is the BEST teacher ever. The social work department needs to keep her!" A lot of students wrote about my sensitivity, my attention to diversity, and being caring, listening. One student wrote: "Loved her. Loved her. Loved her." What a transition in this moment, from a previous place of feeling my tender heart in terms of making amends to myself for all the years of allowing unworthiness to feeling my tender heart in receiving my students comments and their validation of the passion for me that is being with them, at home, in the classroom.
In the space of one hour, not worth/worth can be held. And in one moment, one can be let go and in another moment, one can be let in.
I need to be reminded that I am at choice at every turn at any moment of my day. I don't have to "hold onto" something, when I can easily choose to set it free and move into another moment. I forget this very quickly. This is what Tara Brach refers to when we step out of presence and go into "trance". She too offers reminders that when we really practice presence, we will develop an internal mechanism that alerts us to when we are in trance, allowing us to "come out of it" and back into a state of presence.
Today is a brand new opportunity for me. The rawness of unworthiness is in the past in this moment. An openness to possibility to experience something else is here right now. I did awake today with lingering feelings from the past few days and when I shifted from that moment to deciding to pray, then to light incense, then to water plants, then to make coffee and have breakfast, and then sit down to write, I can hardly remember what 7:30a felt like.
Thank you G-d for this gift that is here for me to open everyday I am on earth.
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