Saturday, February 20, 2010

Just another bozo on the bus


the bus ride
Originally uploaded by a nameless yeast

I went to a new meeting this morning. This was a planned decision.
I am coming to recognize that an area where I attend a lot of meetings has the same people in these rooms, sharing the same kinds of things, telling the same stories. More so, I have watched the formation of cliques and even gossiping and there seems to be much attention given to who is there rather than what is the message. This is not true for all of these meetings, all of the time or with all of the people YET it is happening enough that I wanted to make a positive change in order to keep my program both fresh and solid. There's a saying: "Stick with the winners." The first friend I made in AA is very much a winner. And the meeting I attended this morning is one he raves about and has recommended to me for nearly a year. He most definitely knows what he's talking about.

My friend happened to be chairing today's meeting. It is a topic discussion format, chosen by the chair. On the heels of last night's fantastic topic, my friend speaks today about humiliity. From the perspective of Step Seven. He speaks about the balancing act he constantly struggles with in terms of wanting to be humble AND, if he speaks too much about his humbleness, then is he really demonstrating humility or is he wanting his ego fed ? What a fabulous dilemma to pose to us. It was clear that we all got the distinction between humiliation and humility, but what many of us shared was, from the viewpoint of Step Seven, how hard it is to let go of those all-too-familiar character defects and, furthermore, might it just be about the willingness, because quite often those defects return or are not fully removed or are only removed temporarily.

For me,  as I do the 7th step prayer every morning,  I ask G-d to remove those defects which are not of use to my fellow beings AND I also ask that,  if there are defects which could be transformed into strengths or that could be useful,  that I would like G-d's help in doing that.    Sometimes,  I have specific defects in mind that I am well aware are a hinderance or are blocking me from fully being in relationship to others,  to life and that I want to give them over to G-d.   My sponsor actually suggested awhile ago that I literally put my hands out and offer them "up"  in an actual gesture.    I love doing that because it feels like an action step,  rather than just lip service.    There are other times,  however,  that I am not ready to let go of a defect because I want to understand its presence here or what purpose it seems to be serving and so I ask for G-d's help in "letting it be here or have a voice"  (a strategy I learned from another beloved traveler on this path AND from my healer).     Interestingly enough,   I am aware in this moment that several defects have really dissipated,  only showing up as tiny ripples in my ocean,  passing through and blending in with life's currents.   One such defect is needing to make excuses.   Another one is pretending.    They hardly surface much any more.      Even fear of abandonment and self-pity are occasional waves now,   and not the tsunamis they once were. 
What a miracle !

There were many wonderful perspectives offered about how people viewed humility in this meeting, including:

- recognizing when the ego wants its say and being able to shut up
- wanting to be top dog and knowing it's ok to be just a dog
- catching yourself trying to seek approval and knowing you don't need it
- always doing the next right thing, in every moment
- allowing our small selves to have their place and their voice without having to cut them out
- being tenderhearted toward our defects, even asking G-d to help them be transformed, if they could be useful
- accepting others exactly where they are without the need to correct them or prove them wrong in order to be right
- taking refuge in meetings and knowing there's always more to learn from others, understanding that we've not "graduated"
- knowing that just as "happiness" can be here and then pass, "bad moods" can also be here and will pass too
- stopping yourself from doing or saying something that comes from a place of wanting to control another or a situation and, instead, offering it to G-d.

And, my personal favorite share about humility from this meeting:
"Knowing you're just another bozo on the bus".    Fantastic.

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