Clawing for Control ...

Eye contact with a Praying Mantis
Originally uploaded by B℮n
I slept very poorly throughout the night. Several disturbing dreams, the contents of which are now fuzzy. I do remember one segment of one dream, in which I am holding onto myself for dear life, having felt that someone "violated" my body. I have my arms around myself, clutching tightly, and shouting these words: "From G-d ! Back to G-d !" I gathered that I am grasping onto the idea in this part of my dream that no one can really take what's been G-d-given, my essence, my true nature and that I came from G-d and when I leave this earth plane, I'll go back to G-d.

Head pounding from all this interrupted sleep, I do my prayers and my usual morning routines, like making cofee and breakfast. I see specks of crumbs on the stove, then on the floor, then on the counter and I furiously wipe them up. I am aware that my attention, as of the past couple of days, has been on details like this. I now know that these behaviors are early signs of my obsessive-compulsive stuff rearing its tidy head. Being snowed in, while mostly relaxing and filled with good self-care, also was peppered with a lot of straightening and cleaning. This is an outward manifestation of thoughts about "what's not right".  It is coupled often with worrying and trying to control outcomes, the future. In fact, I had checked the weather forecast for the week (another manifestation of trying to regain control) and saw there is another winter storm to hit, Tue night into Wed. My heart began to race. My first full-day training (associated with good money)  is scheduled for Wed. (and I haven't had one of these in a little over 2 months)  And now the story line picks up: "Oh shit. Now it'll be canceled. I was counting on this money to catch up. How will I make this up? Maybe I can still get down there and if people don't show, then they still have to pay me." And on, and on. This is crazy-making stuff.

I am grateful to bring this into my full conscious awareness in this moment. It is time to return to the Serenity Prayer. And my steps, especially the first 3. Speaking of which, this gem was offered to me after I told my story on Fri night by a "long-timer" from my homegroup: Step 1 has 2 parts -- a) that we were powerless over alcohol and, b) that our lives had become unmanageable. Many of us get the first part and think we've completed that step (that was me when I first stopped drinking) and then we forget about the 2nd part and don't attend to the fact of all the ways that our lives become unmanageable. A total eye opener !

I can actually feel my anxiety and headache dissipate quite a lot in acknowledging these things out loud. They lose their weight and their scare factor.

Easy does it.

First things first.

One day at a time.