I Matter ...

I Shall Fight to Stay Alive
Originally uploaded by Hamed Saber
In the presence of unconditional love, in a space held by my healer, on this path of no worth/worth that I've been traversing for a couple of weeks, I arrived at a place within myself today that seems so simplistic and obvious yet it is something that I have kept myself hidden from for many, many years.

It is the place of ... I Matter.

My repeated patterns, the old tapes, the belief of unworthiness have resulted in valuing and placing worth on everything and everyone else over the rest of my life, over myself. Caretaking and co-dependency and fear of abandonment all have unworthiness at their roots. This is what is spread all over and underneath the soil of my childhood poisoned ground.

A really important connection made today with my healer is how "hiddenness" and "unworthiness" are deeply tied together. I had been writing about making myself smaller, invisible, hidden in the background in relationship to issues of worth. In my childhood, something was always hidden, like my father's alcoholism from the outside world, or the fact that my parents weren't my real parents until the news was sprung on me before my brother was to be born.
From here, as my healer explained, I've been hidden to myself. Not allowing the full expression of my identity, the shame associated for years with my sexual orientation, the people-pleasing done in most of my relationships, the shape-shifting to fit in, the adopting a particular look and appearance out of fear of displeasing my former partner. What I have primarily hidden, however, is how much I matter to my own life, to me. Hearing these words from my healer's lips was bittersweet at first, then just sweet and oh so tender as I could really take in where I have traveled from. And, given that this journey about worth began around financial issues, that too had its place. Not paying attention to money was just one of countless ways I have previously identified that I have made myself less valuable.

The antidote to this, as my healer so lovingly shared with me, is to live my life, here with myself, to the fullest. To ask myself daily: "How can I be valuable to me?" One thing I have become aware of, quite recently, is that I have opened myself up to social invitations that I would normally turn down and I have shown up for others as a friend, where I would normally avoid. I had been, in essence, keeping the bulk of my own life hidden from being experienced, savored, fully embraced.

Interestingly enough, prior to this healing session today, I wrote a question down for myself as I worked with worthiness this week to use as part of my nightly inventory, which is a practice in AA. The question is: "Are the actions I took today in integrity with valuing my worth?" And, to be quite honest, I had great difficulty this week in answering that question. The uncoverings of today's session have helped me to understand why.

Even more intriguing is this: in my Impersonal Movement practice, I have been working with this pair of opposites: Empty/Full. My healer explained to me today that this makes total sense and completely in alignment with my work on worth for this reason: to only live on the side of "empty" is to rely on and look to others to prove my value; to only live on the side of "full" is to "want what I want when I want it" -- a narcissistic place to some extent -- self-centered, all-consuming, not considering others. I lived on this side when I drank. So, in the IM practice, when I "nest" these pairs, I am allowing myself to have this beautiful, 3rd thing arise which helps me to experience a balanced place of my own fullness. Doing this in my practice for the past week or so has helped me to land where I did today.

I feel like I have been given a window seat on this fantastic flight as I learn to spread my wings, take off, and soar into my life. It was like receiving this invitation today to be in my life fully. I even said to my healer, "Am I being greedy or selfish to be wanting to experience more in my life?" And her fabulous reply was this: "People who are actually greedy and selfish don't bother to ask that question!" And, the fact that I am asking is a sign that somewhere in my life, I had been under-valued. This question originates from the place of "not worth it".

To top off all of this, such divine timing it is, I had the great honor tonight of getting to tell my story at an AA meeting that I regularly attend. A number of my friends from the rooms were there, including my first sponsor. On the heels of this wonderful healing session today, this is the place I spoke from tonight. There was no thinking, no struggle about what I would say or how I would come across; there was simply no efforting whatsoever. The sharing after touched me deeply. I felt present and very alive and incredibly grateful to be a part of this community tonight -- in a way that I have not before.

I matter.

And unlike my experience earlier this week with the "worth mantras", I actually believe these words and feel them down to the tips of my toes.

I matter.