Knowing who we are ...

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"Knowing who you are is not a mystical thing but a matter of experience, acceptance, honesty, and compassion. It is knowing you are small and selfish, greedy and angry, great, creative, tenderhearted, and caring."
~ Jason Shulman


I have sat with this passage for 2 days. It is working in me and it is alive and it is validating and full of possibility and it allows me so much more tenderness toward myself.

In knowing who I am as it is defined in this passage and in my writing, I am learning that:

Quan Yin who I aspire to be can be be angry.

My anger sometimes feels justified, from a place of a victim, or it feels out of control or it feels like it is an incredible release, leading me to a gateway to being more settled down.

My little one can be scared while living inside and getting nurtured by the adult me.

My smaller selves want to be heard and seen and complimented and loved. Sometimes they just want attention. They can feel left out or hurt easily. They can be ultra-sensitive, quick to tantrum. They are also sweet and tender and I can't help but want to cuddle them.

In my adult self, I am learning about being in the background - not hidden, just not seeking attention -- and how I can be present and seen and felt from that place.

In my adult self, I am learning to not personalize the lashing out of others. I am able to see their small selves and feel compassion. Sometimes, I don't. In those situations, my small self wants to smack the crap out of them or get very hurt.

I am learning more to trust what I know and to be in integrity. That my interior is wise and I can listen to its voice and be guided in the right direction. I am much less dependent on the outside to tell me about who I am or what my value is or how I should be in the world.

Sometimes, I still want the applause. But most of the time, I am just fine without it.

I may be selfish about how and with whom I want to spend my time and then, at other times, I make room for generosity.

My selfishness can sneak up on me. Suddenly I find myself withholding or making an excuse and I realize it is because I believe something will be taken away from me.

Sometimes I just want _____ NOW. Sometimes I have patience that is lasting and expansive and even surprises me.

I do have moments of self-pity. I used to have lasting episodes. These are less and less now. My little one's voice is the loudest when I am in a self-pity place. Acknowledging her from my adult self helps dissipate the amount of time spent suffering.

My longing for companionship can be from this very open-hearted, sensual place or it can be achey and painful. It sometimes comes from a place of missing or pure desiring and it can come from a place of wanting relief from my loneliness.

I have judgments about people still. They are not as plentiful as they once were. I very rarely engage in gossip. I used to feel superior when I could cut apart other people and I realize now that I did this so that I didn't have to feel my own inadequacies. When I judge, I catch myself more quickly. It usually doesn't feel good when I hold onto a judgment. I don't always want to look within, yet when I am willing to, the judgment is always about seeing something in someone else reflected back to me and not liking what I see.

I am a really great listener. I can give full attention and feel myself very very present with another person. I feel like this is a gift. I am also really good at taking in what other people say, like in a training or a class, and can summarize or reflect back in a way that has meaning or that enables them to feel understood and heard. I believe this is the mechanism in me that allows me to not be a mediocre teacher, but one that leaves a lasting impression. I really know this about myself. And it feels good.

I am affectionate and I love receiving affection. I am an attentive lover. I love being sensual and sexual. I am comfortable in my skin and in my body, just as it is. I don't feel myself worrying about wrinkles or a little extra cellulite or more silvers amid the browns in my hair. I have discovered that while I am a tomboy on the outside, I am really feminine underneath the clothes in every way, deep into my interior. I really know these things now too.

Jason concludes this passage, cited above, in his book with these statements, which I totally love:

"Seeing both sides is an openhearted view. It is what allows us to see the world and say, 'This too is good'. That is why the Buddha, the Christ, the Zaddik all love us. They see that we too are good."