Easy Does It

Relaxin'
Originally uploaded by pedalpower
The aggravation of all things snow-related in the god-forsaken area that I live in has really pushed me to my limits of patience and acceptance and surrender.

I haven't said "Fuck" in probably several years as many times as I have in the past 36 hrs ! As a noun, a verb, an adjective, and of course, as the infamous explitive that it is !

It is disgraceful what the area I live in looks like compared to the burbs. I went to a Trader Joe's yesterday after seeing my client and it's located in the burbs, just 15 min outside the city limits. Streets were absolutely clear. And then, as I entered onto the main road to lead me back toward home, the conditions got more hideous and challenging.

My car is totally ghetto right now. Passenger side mirror dangling. Salt splayed on every inch of the outside. Dirty frozen snow hanging like cavernous stalagtites from the bottom of my car.

I made another trip to my gym in an attempt to swim. A half hour trek each way (normally it is 6-8 min tops). I even called ahead of time to investigate the population of the pool. I was told: "Oh, it's been very quiet. One lane taken. A couple of people in the hot tub." So, off I go to hopefully release all this pent up wintry frustration in the calm waters. I arrive, check in, make my way to the pool area. It is crowded beyond words! People doubled-up in lanes and 2 more people waiting nearby. I turn around immediately and walk out. I am so done. Many "fucks" are splattered about the interior of my car. I try the Serenity Prayer and that is also polluted with fucks in between the lines.

On my drive back, I decide to listen to the radio. Several stations are playing commercials. Over the course of 10 minutes, the same commercial comes right in a row over 2 stations. It's about Valentine's Day. A woman's sultry voice says: "What will it be tomorrow ? Candy ? Roses? Ahhhh, but nothing says love like jewelry." And then she proceeds to say the name of the Jeweler, blah blah blah. Fuck Valentine's Day ! Stupid commercialized heterosexually-driven ,man-made Hallmark holiday. Now, I am in a lather.

Funny thing is this: I am totally aware and awake to the anger and frustration that is here for me. I am not trying to cover it up or soften it or make it go away or meditate it to a fluff. So, as any decent AA, I call my sponsor. I know she'll be light-hearted about all of this and make me laugh. Sure enough, she is true to form ! And after 20 min or so, I even forget why all this crap got under my skin.  

So ... I sit at the kitchen table and cut up an apple. And my poochie gets on the other chair like usual and I think: "Nah, she won't eat an apple." And yet, she looks very interested. I give her a little piece and she LOVES it ! To watch her chomp and have the apple juice fly everywhere was totally delightful. And I am then reminded that nothing ever is worth the energy expended that it takes to get my "knickers in a bunch" (one of my sponsor's phrases that cracks me up). And, more importantly, nothing is ever worth taking a drink over. Nothing. Ever. 

Slowing down now,  the spinning and churning eases up.   And what has been bubbling underneath the surface of the anger and frustration introduces itself.    "Hello,  I'm your fear of no control."     No shit.   It is often what is underneath anger for me.   Terror of what I perceive is a barrier that I have no control over.   The mountain of snow piles that are everywhere bring this fear into full regalia, complete with the armouring of all the fucks and rants to protect its vulnerable side from seeing the light of day.   This even includes Valentine's Day.   Yes,  I really do think it's a ridiculous holiday and it's a false representation of the deep meaning of love.   But underneath my sneering and cynicism,  is also this same fear of no control.     I would like to be able to express in ALL ways how I feel and how much I love the woman I am involved with - which are so much more meaningful and extend beyond what Valentine's Day symbolizes.   The circumstances of this relationship do not permit that right now -- hence,  the piece about "no control".   It's something I have to practice surrendering to regularly.   So,  coupled with the massive weather issues,   this rises and is here too. 

I see the Living Sober book sitting right in front of me on the table after I finish the apple. I close my eyes and pick a page. And I burst out laughing when I read the title of the passage.

Easy Does It.

G-d is really fuckin funny. Hilarious. Just what I needed. Thanks.