Sunday, February 7, 2010

Different stadium, different team ...



Originally uploaded by ...like a chimp with coconuts

This is Superbowl Sunday. As a person without a TV, this day means very little to me. In fact, it was only yesterday that I found out which teams were playing !

Statistically, on this day, it has been reported that the highest number of domestic violence incidents occur, with the primary accomplice being alcohol.

During my alcoholic years, the Superbowl was a gigantic reason to have a party and to drink excessively. And I often didn't know who was playing then, either! It would be highly unlikely that I ever watched a single play, other than to drink when I heard people cheer about a touchdown. And, after awhile, any day, at any time, for any reason was an excuse to get drunk.

So, as folks around America and the world settled down with their party snacks and beverages, a great percentage being alcoholic, I was making a quiet dinner for myself, by candlelight, and then read and then left for the Sunday night AA meeting.

There were only a handful of us in attendance compared to the usual crowd -- perhaps a dozen. And yet, we had enough "players" to make one helluva meeting ! It really was quite special, for a number of reasons. The speaker who was supposed to be there canceled because he wanted to watch the Superbowl! Instead, a woman new to our area but not to AA volunteered to share her story. She was riveting. And very very funny. The best line I've heard in quite some time in her share was this: "This is the paradox of alcoholism. You believe you are a piece of shit AND the world should revolve around you !" The ultimate in descriptions of us AA's: bottom-of-the-barrel self-esteem and sky-rocketing self-centeredness !

I related to that paradox SO much, on so many levels. Self-deprecation permeated every fiber of my being AND I believed that I was a victim of everyone, so I should be given my just due. Simultaneously, I felt undeserving AND entitled. I can see how sick it was to live like this. To be in a self-imposed prison and blame everyone else for being locked up!

The most beautiful piece of being at this meeting tonight, however, was witnessing a newcomer -- with just 1 week of sobriety. She raised her hand and said that she was an "alcoholic" for the very first time. I had chills. I knew that feeling all too well, just a year ago. The whole room fell hush, yet was holding her completely. She trembled as she spoke, tears falling down her face, and the chairperson immediately began a list passed around to all the women in the meeting so we could put our names and numbers on it for her.

It takes such a courageous heart to admit powerlessness. And then it takes willingness to keep coming back. Thankfully, there is a community of people that have walked these very steps that can carry you for awhile until you can walk steadier. Many of us spoke to this young woman at the end of the meeting and you could see her "deer in headlights" look, quite shaky, disoriented perhaps. Each of us shared our favorite meetings and circled them in the book for her. There is always the hope that this person will return and want to play on "our team".

It is incredible to return home, on a Superbowl Sunday night, sober and safe. Knowing I will be able to get up tomorrow morning without a problem, no reason to "call out". More so, I am simply grateful to have had a meeting to go to tonight and to know there are alternate options in a different stadium, on a different team.

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